Only Killers Call Killing Progress

2007-02-04T08:28:00.001-08:00

I went to bed a eleven last night knowing that we have to be somewhere at eleven this morning and that the baby would have some sort of wakeful period that I'd have to deal with in the wee hours. She woke me up at 1:11aman I managed to nurse her back to sleep relatively quickly. I was awoken again at 3am & was not so lucky, she was awake until 5, and then it took me an hour to fall asleep, which I finally did by rolling over & facing Nathan because my other side is so sore from always sleeping on it to keep the baby away from him. I was asleep until 7:30 when he woke me up to tell me that I can't lay that way, so I rolled over again onto my sore side, waking the baby again. Who proceeded to wiggle & scream at me until I got up.
Then as soon as I did get up she threw up all over myself & her, and screamed at the top of her lungs while I tried to clean us up.Now she's eating & repeatedly kicking my other boob with her sharp little toenails & all I want to do is go back to bed and get some actual sleep.

I shouldn't be mad at my little family, but I am so very right now. How dare he be allowed to sleep with earplugs in on the weekends. When do I get the earplugs? And then he calls me cranky in the evenings, like... no shit I'm cranky. I'm at someones beck & call all day long. Even if I got a good nights sleep, it's fucking exhausting. No wonder I'm a little extra sensitive during the day.

So now I get to spend today with his family for his nephews birthday. Most of whom have only met Abby once on Christmas Day, I'm gunna have to act happy & shit for hours and hours while they ask stupid questions and offer advice I don't want. And I'm willing to bet that Nathan's going to wake up bitchy just because he knows he has to do this today. He may even say that he's tired from having to get up at 9:30 this morning.

Don't mind me folks, It's been a long night.

Make that "thrown up all over myself and her" twice.

Happy Superbowl.

So sorry 'bout it all

2007-01-18T01:43:00.000-08:00

I equate love with sex. I always have. So I think that the lack of sex in the last 4 weeks and (supposed to be) the next two is the hardest part about having a new baby. Everything else I have managed to deal with relatively well. To be patient with, to go along with taking things day by day. I get momentarily annoyed with certain facts, like the snow, for example. It's keeping me in my house for longer than I'd like to be and I don't appreciate it. It makes me dependant upon Nathan because I can't get around on my own.
But the fact that I'm not experienceing physical intimacy, I definitely notice it. It's lacking. I'm uncomfortable with how unhappy it makes me. It feels like I'm teetering on the edge and I'm about to fall off. It's something big. Abandonment. Blah blah fuckity blah. Always the same thing. But just because I've agknowledged that I know what causes it doesn't mean I have a clue which direction to go in from here.
So I spoke a bit to the health nurse, and she's setting up some counselling appointments for me. I'll leave Abigail with my mom for an hour or so and go spill my guts to some shrink or other for a minimal fee, and they'll nod and ho and hum and tell me that I'm well adjusted and here are some things that you could work on and that other peoples actions do not define us as people as much as they may hurt and that there's nothing that we can do but deal with how they make us feel because in the end it's the otehr people's shit that makes sthem make your life miserable.
I know all that. But how do you fix the holes your parents leave behind? And by parents I mean one. singular.
Every personal relationship I've ever had in a romantic sense involving a man has left me bewlidered and confused, and half the time feeling more alone than I did when I was alone, but then I'm only ever alone for a week at a time so how would I know?
The first one was so incredibly fucked up I'd be kidding myself to say that it didn't have a lasting effect on me and the way I see myself. I was the companion who he used for some physical gratufication and emotional stability, only to deny it bold faced when asked later on... and I remained stupid enough to let it continue for something like four years, while he used sxomeone else I cared about as a sort of trophy wife.
I'm still not sure in the end what repricussions the pain he caused has. To either me or the other one he used.
I do know though that I allowed myself to be walked all over just for a taste of love for a second when the two of us were alone.
I allowed myself to believe that that was all I was worth. That obviously no one could love me in the open, so I could hide in the shadows and take what I could get.

Now I'm well adjusted enough to know that his behaviour was wrong and borderline sociopathic, but still I believe that I am undesireable. Unfufilling. That the one person I love most in the world (besides the person we made together) would rather have someone more appealing to look at, and to show to his friends.
My self worth is calculated by sex. And we're not having any.
And he doesn't even seem to miss it.

He's probably just keeping it to himself so that he doesn't feel like he's pressuring me into something I have no control over, that it would be pointless to express an interest. But the truth is that for months I've felt ugly and have kept myself hidden in my house and away from sight, and this whole enforced break is making me feel even worse.

I have a lot to deal with, friends.
Sorry for such an abrupt rant.

It's beginning to feel a lot like staleness

2006-12-11T15:51:00.000-08:00

And I may just start anew with a new blog. I feel like I can't use this one anymore.. and I'll just have to see if I follow through or not.

Posted December 1st - 2006

2006-12-06T16:26:00.000-08:00

We had the hospital tour yesterday and our last ultrasound today.
The doctor wanted to check in on how the baby was laying because she wasn't positive. He/She is head down as it should be.
The doctor also wanted to ensure that my high normal blood pressure wasn't disrupting the placenta and the work it was doing, and that the baby was the right size.
We've been informed that the baby is full term sized. It is long- in the 80th percentile. The legs are in the 90th percentile for length. That's daddy. Not me. I have short legs. If it's a girl it will be one lucky girl.
The baby weighs somewhere around 7lbs already.

The hospital is very nice and the encourage everything I wanted to do- IE not laying down through labor, getting in and out of shower, going for walks, listening to music, calling friends and family during. I'm actualy excited, and a lot less worried than I was.
We walked from ward to ward, checking everything out while the lady told us things to expect, what to bring, etc.
As e left Nathan said to me, "Did you notice that we were the only couple in the group who was even remotely affectionate with one another? The rest of them stood there like they were all strangers who had made babies!!"
He was right. My reply was, "We've always had one advantage- We made this child in love. There are so many people out there who can't say that."

Everything is wonderful. Our child is beautiful.

JUST FOR PAUL

2006-06-13T12:51:00.000-07:00

An update. Though I have little to share, the bit that I do have is major.
I m to become a mommy, but then.. Paul already knew that.

I'm working at a pub in False Creek. It's good. Tiring, but that's probably because I'm pregnant. Everything makes me tired. And cranky.
But I am still alive.. Just giving the internet a rest as much as I can.

Launch - Bold & Beautiful

2006-03-22T11:45:00.000-08:00

Here is to strong, beautiful women. Large or small. Women with brains. Women who won't sit down and be quiet. Women who won't fit into your mold. Women who do what they want, when they want and won't take no for an answer. Here is to the women of yesterday, today and tomorrow. Fighting for equality at all angles. Here is to the mothers and the sisters of the world.
No "sluts" here.

I have just launched my forum.

The plan is for this forum to be both a community and a resource for Women and The Men Who Love Them.
I'd appreciate if you joined.. Because I'm hoping that this will not just crash and burn.
If You do go check it out, there is a forum on there hidden to anyone who is unregistered. That is the Showcase forum where I expect to see artwork, poetry, musings, etc.
I believe that a lot of us on here are community minded which is why LJ works so well for us. I was looking for something that likewise got this friendly feel across. A place to chill, as well as get information and resources.
Obviously feel free to post whatever you want.

No one gets out of this one

2006-02-14T17:43:00.000-08:00

The truth is that most of you never see what my hair actually looks like. Today, just special for Valentines Day I decided to go with the curly look. Now I'm apparently being taken out for dinner, though I didn't neccisarily want to do anything for Valentine's Day... It shall be good to get out with my man.

For Educational Purposes Only-

2006-01-25T10:56:00.000-08:00

And more funnies because I have no life

2006-01-20T13:29:00.000-08:00

One more reason baseball sucks.

2006-01-20T11:29:00.000-08:00

Yah.
Uh....
Stick it out, there... Will Hung....

Stick it out.

In other news. Job interview today. 2:30pm. Working Here?
Could defintely be good.
Other than that, I think I have to go to the doctor. I feel crazy more or less all the time.

Do shrink's ever help?

something good

2006-01-17T16:49:00.000-08:00

happy birthday to miles.
You big tool.

Would you love to love her?

2006-01-16T15:41:00.000-08:00

She is like a cat in the dark, and then, she is the darkness
No updates for awhile. I'm sure you're all on the edge of your seat. Where's Lexy? What happened to Lexy?
No?
Well, alright then.
I'll take that too.

2006 is riddled with 2005's unfinished business.
I'm plagued with dreams. Not of the good variety.
Ghosts in my head. So many ghosts in my head.

When I came home with In a Coma, I played Prime Time Deliverance for Terri, knowing it was her favourite Matt Good Song.
As she walked down the hallway towards her room she said, "Is there anything overly special about this version? Because I REALLY like the original."
And that about sums it up.
Does that not make sense?

Let me get back to the gypsy that I was.

I don't want to be here. Here being life. Life being now. Now being everything. I don't want to get out of bed.
I went to the doctor today. I wanted to spill my guts. To scream that this is too much for me and I can't take it anymore. Help me up, help me out. I'm afraid. I'm hurting. And I'm afraid of hurting.

And the more I try to hide from these things, the more people say, "HEY! DEAL WITH IT!" And I just don't think that I can.
Not only do I not know what I'm going to do.. I don't care.
I don't care at all.

It's dangerous... when you get so apathetic you don't even want to breathe.

It's not that I don't want to
It's that I don't care if I do or not.

Lucky for me, the brain handles that.

So....

2006-01-13T04:33:00.000-08:00

As per usual, I have revamped my layout. I quite like this one, but we shall see if it lasts. :D
Everyone enjoy
I do my best work at four am.

E Annoyance

2006-01-13T01:56:00.000-08:00

Check Check Check it out

Isn't he going a might too far?
How do you define an annoyance?

2006-01-13T01:55:00.000-08:00

Head like a hole

2006-01-07T12:20:00.000-08:00

I feel like death would be welcome.

I was wondering, couls I just be you tonight?

2006-01-03T13:46:00.000-08:00

From Ryan.

Blame the box with the view of the world

2006-01-03T13:41:00.000-08:00

Brian's mum died, so.. The obituary is in the paper today. The funeral is on Thursday, Open viewing on Wednesday.

My mom bought me an outfit to wear. Plain black pants and a brown striped shirt. It's very pretty. Classy. I'll see if I can get a picture later. The connection from my camera to the usb to the computer.. something is loose. It's sort of touch and go.
The flash on the sony won't work, and the screen on the Canon is fucked.

YAY!

What does that MEAN?

2006-01-03T08:36:00.000-08:00

What happene to me this year? Lost some friends, gained some enemies... sounds bleak doesn't it? nah, not really, at least not from my point of view. The trials of this year have brought me a lot closer to what I feel is really important to my life, because I have found complacency breeds failure. That was a hard lesson to learn because it took a heartbreak and watching certain doors close on me to realize it. Of course these things don't happen overnight, I did what most people do after things like that, wallow in a pool of my own self pitty, and look to drugs to find escape... maybe not so much the second one for most people ;)

It was rough at the start of this year, I was stressed out for a number of reasons. Politics at work, politics at home, and my closest friends were the furthest away from me they had been in a long time. There was a kind of one-two punch around March, which really put me on my ass so to speak.

~George

I wish that this man was capable of saying things in order of how they happened.... And not leaving it up to guesswork. I suppose that I have no right to know, really... And it's probably for the best, because I'm sure from his point of view it was a bad bad breakup.

I did the best that I could with what I was given. What can you do when you realize that you're not in love anymore. Not anymore, and unsure if you ever were to begin with. That right there is a dangerous fire to play with, that if I ignored it.. It would have left both parties fucked. Yah, we'd still be together, and I would still be closing doors for him, but in a worse way.. Of letting him believe that he was my only love, and breeding contempt within myself.

It was much like that song, "Rest Stop". And no, Rob Thomas isn't gay.
If I'd have been able to turn it back on, I would have doen it long before I walked out that door. I had reached a point, where I relialized that in every single fight we had, I was the villain and he was right. And if I make someone mad enough to throw things and punch holes in walls..... And almost justifiedly at that... .It's time to go.

But the defining characteristic, was that I could no longer gaurentee that I would be faithful.

and if I've become the villain even now, even still, and this far away.. having it been three months shy of a year since I left him.... If thats what he needs, so be it.

But I did what had to be done. And I probably could have done better.
but the most important thing to me was not returning to him the way Sean did to me and playing the I need You I want you game...
I was not going to let him spend the better part of three years pining for me, so in the end.. It worked out.

I only write this entry because it's better than saying this kind of thing directly to him.

It's better to tell him in my head, if at all... that I never intended to hurt him, and at the time when it was all fresh and new, I needed to see myself the way that someone who had just met me saw me.
I saw my beauty in his eyes.. I needed that, and we all do what we've got to do.

But I didn't use Miles. I was in it as much as he was. He wasn't the reason that I left George... But he was the reason I could have never been faithful again.

Just three miles from the rest stop, she slams on the brakes. She said, 'I tried to be, but I'm not so would you please collect your things?'

I never meant to hurt you.
But to be with you would have been never ending hurt for both of us.

Goodbye, Georgie.

Star Wars isn't that great....

2006-01-01T13:46:00.000-08:00

"You're one of us now."
"I am not, I didn't like Star Wars all that much."
*ryan looks at nathan*
"You like Star Wars, man?"
"Yah."
"And you're still with her why???"

"Because.. She's great."

^That's all you need to know about my new years eve.

(/mushy)

If You Don't Like My Fire, Then Don't Come Around. Cuz I'm Gunna Burn One Down.

2005-12-30T19:08:00.000-08:00

When I make pergoies in a frying pan, they scream at me. It kind of makes me feel bad for the little guys.

Nathan went home to do some laundry, and from the text messages I received, it looks like his hose blew... Water? Oil? I don't know. Nevertheless, the thing is overheating. So when I spoke with him he was at Canadian Tire. He said he's going to try and patch it, and that he'll have to fix it up tomorrow. Which I hope he does, because we're scheduled to join the crew at Horseshoe Bay for some New Years Eve BBQing at Nicks house.
Mid Winter Barbeque's. I love Western Canada.

I had some D.A.R.E believing S.O.B leave a negative comment on here... And it's the same as they've always been (besides the attack of the fellowship of Brown Boys)... some anonymous puke leaving non capatilized messages about my stupidity. If I wasn't so in love with my dinner right now I might have a smidgeon of caring
But alas, After six years of volunteering my services to a human right that I believe in.. One measly little whiner kid who watches too many After School Specials is not going to upset me.

Oooh. It's 7:11 pm. I could go for a slurpee, if only there was a sev closer than 30 minutes away. Really, I live in a suburb, sure.. But you would think they'd have slurpee's within a five mile radius.

My darlinmg roomate is spending the night with a fourty year old man she met when I took her to the fetish club for my birthday party. I made her write down his name and phone number.. Because we don't know the guy from a hoel in the wall. She spoke with him on the phone and then went for coffee with him, but that don't mean much.
So it's my responsibility to freak out if she doesn't come home.

I made popsicles out of juice boxes. They're glorious.

the kind of popsicles that you can't help but suck all the flavour out of, then by the end you end up with a giant hunk of ice. OH LORD. It brings back memories.

I have this sharp stabbing pain in the back of my neck today. No idea what I have done. Perhaps a nap is in order. I've yet to decide.

It's not enough to be just longing

2005-12-29T16:15:00.000-08:00

I don't think I could take another 'talk' about it

I finally dragged my ass out of bed and had a bath.. and then it took another two hours to get my ass out the door. And that only lasted fifteen minutes, until I returned with a bag from Shoppers, a large pizza and no money.
The old lady at the Shoppers ID's me every single time I buy cigarettes, and of course.. today my id isn't in my wallet, and neither was my shoppers card.... And thank God Carrie was working or I would have had to come back here.
Don't come so close, don't breathe so soft. Don't purr so soft, Don't feel so real. Please, Don't let me fall in love with you.
I bought myself some spray gel that is designed for curly hair. I assume, because it has been years since I tried to go with the curly hair, and not straighten it, that maybe it will be better behaved now.
Looking at pictures of myself on New Years Eve, Nineteen Ninety Nine.. My hair was a frizzy mess.
If that ever happens again, shoot me.
Maybe all the hairdye has changed it
ALRIGHT
obviously I have nothing to actually say.
Peace Out.

Rythym is a dancer.

2005-12-29T12:08:00.000-08:00

For The Love Of All That Is Good,

I hope that we feel this... Feel this way forever.

What the hell?
What the hell is wrong with the world?
So much sorrow. We can't find joy in the world when we examine it, we can't find joy in the world when we don't examine it.
Even sitting on a bed in Canada, it isn't joyeous.
Any joy in anyone is stripped out and turned into bitterness...
And it hurts me.

To think that the music that I love is being made in a state of turmoil. Je nais c'est pas. I suppose it's nothing that I didn't know.
But he makes my heart hurt.
He makes my heart hurt and there is nothing I can do to fix it.

Scenes from an italian restaraunt
You run it over a million times. How would it have turned out if I had chosen a different move? Was there a whole different, wonderful alternate universe I could have unlocked if I had taken another option.

I try to live my life without regrets. I try to just view things as though they're set up this way, I make choices, but they were the right ones at the time I was forced to make them. I am here for a reason.

~~Look who's laughing now that you've wasted how many years and you've barely even tasted anything remotely close to everything you've boasted about. Look who's crying now.~~

Missing you

2005-12-28T22:56:00.000-08:00

I miss these girls...

Space is Colder Than The Air in The Mountains Where I come From

2005-12-28T22:26:00.000-08:00

Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken.

I am original.
I am loveable.
I am capable.
And I am glad.

Very glad.

I'm sorry Mizz Jackson.... I am fo' Real.

2005-12-28T17:03:00.000-08:00

I love Outkast more now than ever.
And I just redownloaded Pieces of You by Jewel.. And dude... I missed this album.
She had a good thing going on. I wish she would have stuck it out in the folk scene and not sold out. Fantabulous voice.

The best and most comfortable pants in the world.
I got them from Urban Behaviour, which I have never set foot into before.. But the bells on them are like... 40 inches each
OH GOD I LOVE BELLBOTTOMED PANTS
Hey, at least I know what I want.

Marshall and myself

He's my furry lova.

Photographs and memories, Christmas Cards you sent to me.. All that I have are these.. To remember you.....

2005-12-28T14:31:00.000-08:00

Christmas is a time for photos. So hang in there as I wreck my layout to share the wonderment of our holiday season with you.

Nathan

Nathan and Paula.

Paula.
December 23- 05.

I needed to see how I looked from different angles, and I only have one mirror.

Back of my head.

My stepdad wrapping gifts

Mom's tree

Cranberry Pear Pie

My mom's ancient cat. She's 16 years old.

My mom playing with her. She's thrilled.

Presents.. Mostly for me. (It made me feel bad)

My stocking stuff

My mom and dad doing their stockings.

This is a funny story...
My dad did a bunch of wrapping the night before for my mom, and he was more or less, apparently, just wrapping whatever he had previously put on the table.
but my mom had somehow put this Charlie Brown Xmas book on the table as well, and he wrapped it. So she unwraps her own book and starts killing herself laughing.
"What is this?"
"I dunno... Didn't you want it wrapped?"
"No...."
"well, it was on the table...."

Here she was telling me that she had wondered what the hell book she would have been getting, cuz she knew what all her stuff was....

Brian insisted on taking a pre shower no makeup picture. For this I hate him.
AT Nathan's Family dinner-

Oma and Dave

Jennifer all blurry

Pre dinner

Oma

Gus.

Nathan and Sean

Teh livingroom as seen from upstairs

Nathan playing Xbox in Sean's room

Jennifer
AAAAAAAAAAAAAANnnnnd

My granfather.. Bald.

Even more

2005-12-27T11:22:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we had not quite finished the Christmas junk. We stayed up late on the twenty fifth, watching.... Serenity, which, afterall was a very good movie. Besides the space aspect that I can't relate to, the storyline kept me very entertained.
We had to go to my grandparents place for lunch... Which I was excited about, but very nervous to have to see my grandfatehr with no hair due to chemotherapy.
Regardless, the issue came up all week, that Nathan had a cold a while back, and was nervous he might still be carrying it and didn't want to go in case he got my grandfather sick
And I can understand his concern. I honestly can. But I think it was ridiculous, because he has not been sick for a week, he is not contagious.. And I wanted him to go
The first thing he said to me when I woke him up was, "I still don't feel comfortable going."
So I was kind of irritated........

Had my shower, and then Nathan got up.
The tension was thick, as he went to the shower.
I was in the bathroom, and we started hashing this shit out, me leaning against the counter.....
"I just think it's kind of mout.. because you're not contagious..."
"I know. But what if... You know.. Unless you want me to get your grandpa sick."
I'm pretty sure I rolled my eyes into the back of my head. these words felt like being kicked in the stomach.
"Yah. Thats exactly what I want." I said, and made a move for the bathroom door.
He grabbed me, I shoved him across teh bathroom, "Don't fucking touch me."

Of course.... Like any good fight with Lexy, it ended with me crying all over his chest.
Our first real fight.

And he came with me, so I guess I won.

Annnnnnd, so, that went well. Afterwards we headed back from Vancouver into Coquitlam for Nathans second family dinner.
At which I was about inches way from killing his oldest brother for this quote of the year.
"Animals don't have souls."

I'll leave you with that one.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!! It's the muppet show.

2005-12-25T13:49:00.000-08:00

So.
I must say. Yetserday was among one of my roughest days EVER.
I've said it before, however.. It's hard to keep bad days in perspective when you're having one. It's hard to remember how bad the last one was.

Nevertheless... We were both, myself and nathan, being fucking assholes.
I was okay when I woke up, but I just got nasty... Not mean... Just sad. So I spent all morning crying..... and then he dropped me off at lougheed, and I finished my shopping, then bused home, thinking that I would be late and he would yell at me.... But nope. i got home, got ready... wrapped the gifts... fucked with my hair for the nine hundredth time... We were supposed to be at the service at 4pm.
five to four.. I'm wondering where he is.... Four o clock hits... I, of course, have no bloody phone to find out.
Ten after four he finally comes home. "I don't even fucking want to go."

So.... Then it was my turn to try and deal with him.
He was hungry, so ..... Wanting to avoid everything, we went to the closest and fastest drive thru.
But of course
Mcdonalds closes their drive thru on Clarke on Xmas Eve.

"Of course." He says.. then hits his steering wheel ridiculously hard and says, "Fuck. I'll just drop you off at your parents place and then go home."

And I start crying again.
"STOP CRYING! ITS NOT YOU. WHY ARE YOU CRYING???????"

Anyways.. I wanted to wrote an entry that would tell everyone that Once I got to my mom's house.. after the car over heating three times..... I feela whole lot better.
And it was the reminder I needed that it doesn't matter that I am broke as fuck. I love my people and my people love me.
THE END

If

2005-12-25T01:43:00.000-08:00

If all of the stress that has been going on in my life int he last two months was just from Christmas, I might still be happy.
But unfortunately for myself, It'll get worse after this day is over and i have to deal with the rest of this shit.
I hate life.

But hey, In the meantime

Happy Birthday to fucking me

I am now officially twenty two.

Saddam

2005-12-22T12:40:00.000-08:00

Saddam Trial Adjourned For Investigation
He alleges that guards have been beating and mistreating him. Would anyone be surprised?
I'm hardly a fan of Saddam, Saddam has done way too much over the years for me to at all like him, but I am also not of the mind that the End justifies the Means.
Richard Clarke said it best on the daily show, "This is no longer about 'we shouldn't be there'. We're already there. as much as we would love to go back and undo that, there isn't time for what ifs. Now is the time to focus on getting out of there. Everyone seems to be telling you that if we leave, everything will fall apart. They'll be fine."
My main focus has always been getting them out of there. But there's only so much that I can do. I've marched. Oh God have I marched. And watched as the turnout dwindled time after time. Every new march there were less and less people.
The day we all marched against the Iraq War for the first time, the initial day that millions of people flooded out into the streets to tell the American Government that this wasn't what we wanted.. I haven't heard anything about that being a fantastic movement. A large chunk of teh world showed up and spoke together, and we were ignored.

Do they beat and torture prisoners?
They beat and torture their citizens.

Living in an American Ghetto IS psychological warfare.

2005-12-22T12:32:00.000-08:00

Vortex of death.

Tree's.

Train.

3 days left

2005-12-22T12:23:00.000-08:00

I don't want to go to the mall again today, lest I feel like I've spent the day holding my ankles for the corporations.

I bought some tins with snowmen and reindeers on them, and I'm making a mass batch of oatmeal raisin cookies and rice krispie squares.
That's real love right there. Because I'm lazy.

But before I embark on the missions I have set myself for the day, I must eat something in hopes of curing the hiccups I have recently obtained.

Fucking hate hiccups.

THE MALL- A Christmas Story

2005-12-21T16:48:00.000-08:00

So, I left the house at about noon and descended upon Lougheed Mall. I had originally planned on sucking up my pride and going to metrotown, but my better judgement must have prevailed.

So I got me a coffee, and I went to the dollar store. None of this $2.99 dollar store crap, a real Dollar Giant where everything is wonderful and costs $1 exactly. I bought some stuff that I shall not list in case of prying eyes... But I am pretty happy with the loot.
Then I braved WalMart... Hit a few other stores...
And saw Jeans for $20.. So I grabbed a size fifteen.
Too big
So I grabbed a size thriteen
Too big
So I grabbed a size eleven
And mosied on out of that joint.

FUCKING EH! I'm down two sizes.

After this happened, My ecstatic self was ready to go home, and I started walking around again to find the right exit. Who should I see, but Katt (Karolina) And as soon as I saw her, I knew she was unhappy.
so what could I do, But take her to teh porn shop. I don't even know how long we were in there. At least half an hour. I got Nathan something that'll be WAY TOO MUCH FUN!

and now I need to hit a zellers. And find something that will be Nathans bigger gift. I looked and looked for exactly what I want to get him, but......... No one is selling the right KIND OF thing that I want. There are lots of things, but not the right thing.

It's all about the content. Not the Layout. Pssshh.. Matt.

2005-12-21T11:23:00.000-08:00

I went to Nathan's place for dinner last night. We had Bacon wrapped Sirloin Steak, mashed taters, carrots and corn. Oh! and coleslaw.
Dave and Michelle were there. David is so god damned cocky.
Pictures to come after Saturday I'm sure.
They have Santa's on the shelf when you come in the door. They were really cute.....

And then, of course.. Their tree was up and as I walked up the stairs, The scent of pine wapped me in the face.
On the buffet in the diningroom, they have a snowy little village.
Christmas magnets on the fridge.
I have never felt like this 4 days before Christmas. I was feeling like I had dropped out of august. "what the hell??"
On the drive home we got coffee at Timmy's. Earlier this month I was bouncing in the car, excited as all getup to be getting a Christmas Timmy's cup, with chidren on it... Now, as we rounded the same corner to enter the drive-thru I muttered, "I hate this Christmas Shit."
"Me too. HEY! I thought that you loved Christmas."
"Not this year. I'm fucking miserable."
"Is it me, I'm sorry if it was me..."
"No. It's everything else."
All the way home, I leaned my head on the headrest and stared blankly at thousands of glowing orbs of coloured light that the houses emit.
I felt nothing. The only thing that stirred in me was the disconcerting nature of feeling nothing at the most... or the Second Most important of my religious holidays.
We got home and I wandered into my room and laid on the bed. Nathan came in, "Are you gunna stay in here for awhile?"
"Are you going out there?"
"Yah, you can play on the computer awhile. I'll play prince of persia or something."
"Come here first. I want cuddles."
And so he laid down.
Time passed, time didn't pass.. and I began to cry.
And I cried and I cried until his shirt was wet.

So tonight we get a tree. And I hope, Just hope, that I will get there.
I have never felt this way before. I can only hope to get there.

Us to invade Canada?

2005-12-20T14:14:00.000-08:00

US to take over Canada?
Highlights-

"So have the Canadians gotten a little too big for their britches?" Cavuto asked.

"Could our neighbours to the north soon be our enemies?"

Douglas MacKinnon, a press secretary to former Republican senator Bob Dole, also recently accused Canada of harbouring terrorists.

"Can Canada really be considered our friend anymore?" he asked in a recent commentary in the right-wing Washington Times newspaper.

"What other question can be asked when the Canadian government not only willingly allows Islamic terrorists into their country but does nothing to stop them from entering our nation?"

U.S. Ambassador David Wilkins warned Martin last week to tone down anti-American jabs or risk hurting bilateral relations. But Martin was unrepentant, saying he would "not be dictated to" by the United States and his hard line appears to be resonating with some voters.

While the offensive from American pundits isn't widespread, it still has the potential to affect cross-border ties, said Waldman.

"On Capitol Hill, the TVs are turned to Fox News. This kind of media environment is what the White House pays attention to," he said.

"That hostility is probably shared by a lot of people in the administration."

2005-12-20T08:49:00.000-08:00

Well, That's alright
If that's alright..
Two thousand miles
But still
That's alright
And that's alright, if that's alright
I'll see you in the morning
If that's alright.

Please, take whats left of this heart
And use, please only use what you really need
You know, I only have so little
So Please
Mend your broken heart and Leave.
I'm not sure if it's raining today. I'm alone in the house, Paula is at work, Nathan is at work.. I'm going out for lunch with Jake. if he feels alright. He said he's got a cold.
I got up early for no reason, put on Jack Johnson.. Had some smokes. I need to go out and get more, but before I do that.. I want to get showered, and before I do that.... I want coffee.
But I'm too lazy to get my nekkid ass out of bed and do some shit.
Winter gets me so down.
So very down

Though, I must admit, There are things that will get me up and moving. Some good, happy music will do it. I haven't decided what yet, but I did just fix both my Beatles Anthology 2 discs, and my Nine Inch Nails - With Teeth album
Totally underrated release from them. I can listen to it straight through, and isn't that what one wants?

It is what I want, anyway.

Awake.

2005-12-19T14:25:00.000-08:00

Do you remember what it was like?

It's raining again. It's been awhile, so I don't mind.

You're gunna take what you can get
Sometimes things just hit you. I seem to say it a lot, but its the truth. Things just fucking smack you.
"Loving some silly piece of music so much that it hurts..."
You don't know what you do to me. You have no idea. Feeling nothing, I suddenly find myself in the grip of it, all I can do is turn it up and close my eyes. All I can do is wait until you're finished. Until you get it off your chest and you say what you needed to say. And like it was always meant to, it grabs something inside of me. Something so deep inside of me that I had no idea it was even there.
Absolution for your head....
I see stars, I see lines, I see dancing. I see me. I see us. All of us. I see it all, and I see it so clearly. For just a moment.... Just a moment passes... Years pass. I am still right here. It's now. It's everything.
I see glowing.
Black Helicopter

Merry Christmas

2005-12-15T14:31:00.000-08:00

December Fifteenth

VANCOUVER CANUCKS:

Record heading into game: 19-9-2, 40 points

Road record: 6-8-2

Last 4 games:

@New York Rangers: 3-2 W
vs. Ottawa Senators: 3-2 W (Shoot-Out)
vs. Boston Bruins: 3-2 W
@Edmonton Oilers: 3-5 L

Goals for: 97 (10th in league); Goals against: 84 (9th in league)

Point Leaders:

Markus Naslund: 16G/18A/34 Pts
Todd Bertuzzi: 9G/17A/26 Pts
Henrik Sedin: 8G/18A/26 Pts

Power Play: 16.5% (18th in league)
Penalty Kill: 83.3% (11th in league)

PHILADELPHIA FLYERS:

Record heading into game: 18-7-4, 40 points

Home record: 12-4-2

Last 4 games:

@Columbus Blue Jackets: 3-1 W
vs. Minnesota Wild: 3-2 W (Shoot-Out)
vs. Edmonton Oilers: 2-3 L
vs. Calgary Flames: 1-0 W (Shoot Out)

Goals for: 109 (5th in league); Goals against: 91 (15th in league)

Point Leaders:

Peter Forsberg: 10G/32A/42 Pts
Simon Gagne: 23G/14A/37 Pts
Mike Knuble: 13G/12A/25 Pts

Power Play: 18.6% (12th in league)
Penalty Kill: 78.0% (28th in league)

2005-12-14T15:26:00.000-08:00

Me & Mar.

Marshall.

Cops at the door

2005-12-12T19:52:00.000-08:00

So. I had a good weekend. All in all.
Nathan hardly went to work last week, which, I have to admit.. was a wonderful holiday treat.
But it hardly made the weekend feel like a weekend.
I was pretty stressed on Saturday. Same thing I dfo everytime I have a party. "OH GOD NO ON EIS GUNNA COME AND THOSE THAT DO COME WILL BE SO BORED AND I SUCK"
Whic.. I ended up feeling like.. to apoint anyway. I'm just not very entertaining. And of course, nothing ever goes the way it should go. But you do what you can in the situations that your faced with.
Nathan was grouchy. After I made that post, I went out for smokes. And while I was gone, he came home. I was so happy to see his car.. And I was all excited to see him.
But then I came in and you could cut the tension with a knife.
I was tempted to run away and find some sage.. It was that bad.
But instead, I just went into the spare room and sat on the windowsill with Marshall. I had a smoke and he made me feel better.

And then I went back out, and Nathan said, "I'm grouchy."
I told him I could tell, then I went to have a shower.... I felt better after the shower.. And of course.. Having asked him if it was something that I had done wrong. As when I was sitting with Marshall, I retraced every step I had taken throughout the whole day and decided that If it was something that I had done I couldn't remember what it was.
But.. no. He said it wasn't me.
wehn I was done in the shower I jumped on him and bounced. And who can resist a happy bouncing girl?
Not Nathan. So he showered and got nice again.
So... At three, Nathan went and found Kev.. and then Mike came over.. And then Mcihelle and Jer.. And then everything started coming together.
Or I started drinking, so I cared less.
After everyone was on their way I got everyone ready and we all headed to the porn store so I could buy that tiny ass skirt I was in.
We came home, Jason stopped over.. And then we headed out, Leaving Kev and Mike to play at home.
Danny came by and gave me Black and White 2. But my computer can't run it.. which is sad.
We got down there, and had an awesome time in the lineup.. We were playing with lightsabre's that the guys in front of us had. They were new. It was fun talking to them about their expectations. the girl was super hot. Nice black dreads. Beautiful eyes.
Got in, went straight to the dancefloor.. chilled out, wiggling against Nathan and getting him all wriled up.. Then I ran downstairs, which would be almost the only time that I saw the rest of you guys...
And I turn around

Michael, of course.
And I feel like such a moron because it didn't even fucking cross my mind that he would be there, but nevertheless, he was. And I turned bright red and fucking dashed away.

So I went back upstairs.. And encounter Aella... Who I could have done without seeing.. But y'know.. bygones are bygones. Herminia was the one that just scared me. She's frightening in any form. Let alone half naked. She just.. What an odd kid.
And after I had seen all the ghosts that I could see, we went out and had a smoke. And I bought a coke.. And then we danced our asses off..
Until dirty Santa got busy with his woman in the corner.
then we dashed downstairs.
Where Paula started talking to some dude who's been in the scene for ten years.. And Nathan and I sat down on a couch to makeout like highschool kids.
After that much bumping and grinding... who could help themselves?

we left at about 1:30, then went to subway... Where two guys got into a fistfight and almost took out the fridge....
Then we hopped the nightbus home.
Of course... by that time, the two people I was with were strung out on Ecstacy.
So, who gets on the bus but Karolina?
We talked all the way home. And yet...

While I was talking to Katt, I could barely pay attention to my convo with her because in the meantime.. Nathan was talking to Paula..
Who was talking to him about our sexlife.
Which, I'm fine with...
But it wasn't a conversation I was comfortable being left out of. So that pissed me off....... a bit.....

We came home.. and then Nate and I hashed out my jealous feelings at that one... And then I passed out around five in the morning.
I got up for an hour on Sunday morning, then went back to bed. And I slept until five next to my man.

We then got up and watched Saw 2... OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT A MOVIE.

And then we watched 8 crazy nights.

AND THIS IS WHERE IT GETS FUNNY
we sorta started...
y'know.. gettin' busy in the livingroom. Because no one was home, we never really have.. and thought it'd be fun. Plus laziness. It all pointed to one thing. Staying there. So.. We're going at it.. shits getting good. .... and just as I start freaking out... There's this knock at the door.
So we're like.. fuck it.. leave it alone, right?
Knock gets loud, like.. intimidating.
So I go look through the peep hole... And its two cops.
Like... wtf?
So nathan runs off and hides the pot.. And I get a housecoat on.. and go to the door.
"We heard some muffled screaming and stuff.. Thought that you might be in trouble. We were concerned for your safety."
I was mortified.
One guy was actually laughing, but the other one was all offical and scary. And I was like.. trying not to howl with laughter and explain myself.
Oh god. Mortifying. So I was like.. "Did someone call you?"
"No. We got called here for the party next door and heard you..."
"I am so sorry."
I was just... mortified.
For like twenty minutes all I could do was laugh.

Like.. oh god........

all in all. good weekend.

2005-12-12T19:25:00.000-08:00

It's these nights I dread. the nights when its the sound of my fingers and the keys. I wait for something tohappen, but nothing does.
There's no moon. I've been in this same place for hours now. Waiting for something to happen
but nothing does.

Nothing ever happens.

How do you do it? Make me feel like I do...

Pearl Jam

2005-12-12T19:24:00.001-08:00

Once divided...nothing left to subtract...
Some words when spoken...can’t be taken back...
Walks on his own...with thoughts he can’t help thinking...
Future’s above...but in the past he’s slow and sinking...
Caught a bolt ’a lightnin’...cursed the day he let it go...

Nothingman... (2x)
Isn’t it something?
Nothingman...

She once believed...in every story he had to tell...
One day she stiffened...took the other side...
Empty stares...from each corner of a shared prison cell...
One just escapes...one’s left inside the well...
And he who forgets...will be destined to remember...oh...oh...oh...

Nothingman... (2x)
Isn’t it something?
Nothingman...

Oh, she don’t want him...
Oh, she won’t feed him...after he’s flown away...
Oh, into the sun...ah, into the sun...

Burn...burn...
Nothingman... (2x)
Isn’t it something?
Nothingman...
Nothingman... (2x)
Coulda’ been something...
Nothingman...

2005-12-08T22:08:00.000-08:00

Well I'm shameless when it comes to loving you
I'll do anything you want me to
I'll do anything at all

And I'm standing here for all the world to see
Oh baby that's what's left of me
Don't have very far to fall

You know now I'm not a man who's ever been
Insecure about the world I've been livin' in
I don't break easy I have my pride
But if you need to be satisfied

I'm shameless, oh honey I don't have a prayer
Every time I see you standin' there
I go down upon my knees

And I'm changin' swore I'd never compromise
Oh but you convinced me otherwise
I'll do anything you please

You see in all my life I've never found
What I couldn't resist what I couldn't turn down
I could walk away from anyone I ever knew
But I can't walk away from you

I have never let anything have this much control over me
I work too hard to call my life my own
And I've made myself a world and it's worked so perfectly
But it's your world now I can't refuse
I've never had so much to lose
Oh I'm shameless

You know it should be easy for a man who's strong
To say he's sorry or admit when he's wrong
I've never lost anything I've ever missed
But I've never been in love like this

It's out of my hands
I'm shameless, I don't have the power now
I don't want it anyhow
So I got to let it go

Oh I'm shameless, shameless as a man can be
You make a total fool of me
I just wanted to you to know

Oh I'm shameless
I just wanted you to know
Oh I'm shameless
Oh I'm down on my knees...shameless

2005-12-08T17:12:00.000-08:00

Note to everyone- My phone has been cut off

I have no job. I have no money
I have no phone.. And we're precariously (sp) close to being evicted.
So...
If you're wondering why I'm angry, bitter, and not available emotionally....
It's because I fucking suck at life.

Handgun Ban

2005-12-08T11:27:00.000-08:00

OTTAWA (CP) - Prime Minister Paul Martin will venture into a violence-plagued area of Toronto on Thursday to announce a sweeping ban on handguns, The Canadian Press has learned.

Martin was scheduled to visit Toronto's troubled Jane-Finch area to make a "safer communities announcement." Liberal sources have confirmed the announcement includes a ban on handguns. No other details were immediately available.

It's about time.

I don't see the point in guns. Maybe I'm too liberal on this... But You don't need guns in the western world unless you're hunting dinner... which you don't do with a handgun. So why are we allowing handguns?

Meanie.

2005-12-01T16:36:00.000-08:00

There's nothing worse than feeling like you've hurt a friend.
As ridiculous as it is.. how our relationship works and has always worked.. I didn't mean to be an asshole. And thats what I feel like. An asshole.

The US War Plan.

2005-12-01T11:29:00.000-08:00

Their objective is to drive the United States and coalition forces out of Iraq, and use the vacuum that would be created by an American retreat to gain control of that country. They would then use Iraq as a base from which to launch attacks against America, and overthrow moderate governments (*coughs* later he says there are no moderate governments) in the Middle East, and try to establish a totalitarian Islamic empire that reaches from Indonesia to Spain. That's their stated objective. That's what their leadership has said.

These terrorists have nothing to offer the Iraqi people. All they have is the capacity and the willingness to kill the innocent and create chaos for the cameras. They are trying to shake our will to achieve their stated objectives. They will fail. America's will is strong. And they will fail because the will to power is no match for the universal desire to live in liberty.

*coughs*
Our strategy in Iraq has three elements. On the political side, we know that free societies are peaceful societies, so we're helping the Iraqis build a free society with inclusive democratic institutions that will protect the interests of all Iraqis. (we all know america is the free-ist and most peaceful country on the planet)

One of the Iraqi soldiers who fought in TAL Afar was a private named Tarek Hazem. This brave Iraqi fighter says, "We're not afraid. We're here to protect our country. All we feel is motivated to kill the terrorists."

Now, all Iraqi Army recruits receive about the same length of basic training as new recruits in the U.S. Army -- a five-week core course, followed by an additional three-to-seven weeks of specialized training. (mmmmmmmmm, 2 months and give em big arse weapons...score?)

In World War II, free nations came together to fight the ideology of fascism, and freedom prevailed -- and today Germany and Japan are democracies and they are allies in securing the peace. In the Cold War, freedom defeated the ideology of communism and led to a democratic movement that freed the nations of Eastern and Central Europe from Soviet domination -- and today these nations are allies in the war on terror. (mmmmmmm, perhaps proof for the arab opinion of an American empire? *laughs*)

Today in the Middle East freedom is once again contending with an ideology that seeks to sow anger and hatred and despair. And like fascism and communism before, the hateful ideologies that use terror will be defeated by the unstoppable power of freedom, and as democracy spreads in the Middle East, these countries will become allies in the cause of peace.

Oh Dear God Help me.
But then... Did I expect any better?

stolen from Jake's LJ.

Karla The Saint.

2005-11-30T10:08:00.000-08:00

Why is Karla Homolka now able to contact "violent criminals" and her victims families?
What the hell is wrong with Canada.
She should still be in jail.

love

2005-11-29T14:44:00.000-08:00

Message Received from Mobile Phone
From Nathan
2:08pm.

"you're so gunna get it, and I'm gunna give it to you."

It's finally stopped now.

2005-11-29T11:30:00.000-08:00

garlic.

2005-11-29T10:45:00.000-08:00

It's all I'm gunna eat today.
shit with garlic all up in it.
My nose won't stop running.. though, on the plus side it is no longer stuffed.
And my throat is itchy.
Ridiculous.

It's snowing. Heavily.
Has been all night.

Fucking Canada.

coming for me.

2005-11-24T15:49:00.000-08:00

So yah.
guess who never showed up yesterday?
Yah.
I don't even need to write her name.
And guess who is here right now?
Oh yes.
I feel trapped.
like literally.
In my room, listening to tupac.
She scares me.

ramblings

2005-11-23T14:05:00.000-08:00

I worked Friday and Saturday, and then stayed up all of Saturday night chatting with Nathan. Ha. Chatting with.
The fact that we're staying up all night just to talk. *sigh* It owns me.
Then On Sunday we fell asleep around 9:30am, and slept until 5pm. We got up, went to Nathans place... hung out, and came back here. He hasn't been home since.
We're going there tonight for dinner..
Terri is supposed to be moving out today. It's 1:40 almost. Still no sign of her.
She asked us to please be out of the house. Ha. Close enough. Paula is reading on my bed and I'm here. Typing this.
Presently listening to classical music, and absent from the real world.
Mmmmmm. Cigarettes.
So I went to work on Monday. Did a split. Then came home and went out again to a party at Nate's (He's my boss, as if thats not confusing).
It was okay. Nice little bit of drama at the end. But otherwise good.
Derek Sommers called me at four in the morning.
He wanted to "get stoned". I told him I was in bed with Nathan.
ha. "So calling you at 3am is a bad idea?"
"It's 4:27."
He was tanked.
He tried to sleep on me in the cab home. Eeew.

Other than those happenings, there isn't much to report.
I'm afraid of Terri. No really. Being in the livingroom today makes my stomach flip.
I appologize for writing so much about it.. but once this is over... I'll be able to just forget it and move on.
Be out of the house. She didn't even give us a window of time. Just instructions to leave home for a whole day.
So what?
From midnight to midnight?

1:46pm.
Wednesday. November 2005.
Goddamnit.
I'm getting old. There's a month and three days until my birthday.
Pressure is on. Xmas is coming. I have no money. Oh yay for working.
Not enough. GRRRRRRRR. Too much stress. I have to call my grandpa.

Time is a cruel thing. It just keeps ticking ticking ticking into the future.
Oh Seal. Your face looks like you fell on a cheese grater. Twice.

All I want to do is smoke. Classical music is bizarre. It has prompted me to change myu MSN name to "A Journey of joy and Sadness Led by the Cello".
And that is exactly what this song is.
I want to go get plastered. Like right tanked. The way I was at Nicks last BBQ. The way I was at the hallowe'en party.
I intended to do so at Nate's. But I didn't feel comfortable enough to do it. So I had 2 shots of vodka, and called in a night.
I think that's what makes drinking and me bad togetehr; not being comfortable. I always felt like I was being judged by George. When I get tanked with Mcihelle I feel great.
Maybe that's it. I have to drink with Michelle. No matter what. For it to be good, Michelle must be involved.
BAHAHAHAHA!
And I want to do drugs. As always I want to do drugs.

Best breakup ever.

2005-11-21T14:44:00.000-08:00

At least now I don't feel bad.
Terri is gone from my life.
Officially. I have removed the barnacle on my ass. I couldn't be happier. For awhile there, I felt bad. Like... Because I was deserting her. But now. Fuck her. She can be alone for the rest of her life.
I tried to write an email to her, telling her that I felt this was stupid, and that we could be adult. And telling her that I loved her.
She sent me an email back telling me that I air laundry in public, and listing off all of the things that she didn't bitch at me about that botehred her about living with me.
Like it makes her a saint that she sat on her emotions until they ruined our relationship. Not that she's ever had a relationship work that wasn't based around me.
Does she even realize that Jenn was asking Paul to get rid of her? That she was nothing short of humping her own bosses leg? Does she realize that these people she calls her friends were only allowing her to hang around begrudgingly for me?
Because taking care of her was something that was important to me.
So now who has she got? Her brother, and people in mexico she's met a few times. Good. Great. What a fantastic life. I hope she goes far.
Far, headfirst into a speeding car.

What an ungrateful little shit.
Oh my God.
Some people.

She let two months ruin fourteen years. Two months of stuff that I apparently did wrong over fourteen years of absolute and utter bullshit for her sake. And she thinks that she put up with motre from me than I from her.
She's fucking dillusional.
Like seriously.

HAWT DAWG! HAWT DAWG!

2005-11-19T05:46:00.000-08:00

Oh my god is this good.
Chorizo sausage, black forest ham, white onions, green onions, red pepper, yellow pepper, green pepper, shredded carrots, mushrooms, steak spice, and crushed chillies.
To die for.
I tell you. If you put this in a pita or a tortilla with some scrambled egg... Or even as an omelette.... Or.... I don't even know. It's just wonderful.
It's the chorizo. Does it to me every time.
I would go make more if it wasn't a fattening protein overload right before bed.
But as it is, my pants are falling off of me anyway.
Seriously. Just between you and I.... When I'm at home and I don't pull them up every ten seconds because there's no one else around..... they just fall off.
Slip right off of my hips and whatnot.

So I can stand to eat sausage and ham in the morning before I get in bed.
So. Happy Saturday everyone. I can't believe that's what it is. And we're not together.

strange how you're not with me.

Missing You

2005-11-18T16:53:00.000-08:00

Nathan isn't coming over tonight.
It's Friday.
It's just plain wrong.

not enough.

2005-11-17T07:33:00.000-08:00

October 4, 2005. For immediate release. A judge has ruled that Quesnel resident Robyn Seddon be prohibited from owning animals for a period of one year after SPCA cruelty officers rescued 56 dogs and six chickens from Seddon's property west of Quesnel. The animals were seized in March, 2004, in various states of physical distress due to lack of proper shelter and ventilation, dehydration, and serious dental, husbandry and grooming issues.

A year is not enough.

and.

2005-11-17T07:30:00.000-08:00

what do you know of me and my garlic?

man.. its seven thirty in the morning
haven't slept
can't sleep
no drugs
no money
too many worries.one the plus side... seven and a half hours until I have to get up for work.

still plenty of sleep time, really
In theory.

Why do the rich get richer, while I barely stay afloat?
Its disheartening.

just a thought

2005-11-17T04:17:00.000-08:00

Momma said there'd be days like this.

2005-11-15T18:52:00.000-08:00

There'd be days like this my momma said.
Momma said, momma said...
Momma said there'd be days like this.... There'd be days like this, my momma said.

I think every bad day constitutes wanting to say it's "The worst day ever". Because the way you feel when you're having one, will never be comparable. You can never put it into perspective. It's not like the next time you're pissed you can be like... "Fuck man.. This ain't as bad as the last time. Whoooeee! That was a zinger."
Nope. You're too damned angry at whatever it is thats making you angry. There's no desire for comparison.

I wasn't angry when I woke up this morning, per se..... I looked at the clock a few times and hour, thinking that there were things I should get up and do, but knowing also that the future of my day was grim. It's typical November in BC. Save the one day that I slept through this week.... I have no money. I have no food in the house. I have no cat food in the house. I have no cigarettes.
And the reality of work hanging over my head all day was one I was looking forward to.
Finally, around eleven, I got up.
Had me a shower.... Chilled about.... Played online a bit, but most of the day I couldn't due to a system check and defrag on the new computer... So, at 2:30 I lay down to have a nap. At three I stopped reading and fell asleep.
Did I mention that I started bleeding today? Well... It's good, on the one hand.. Lexy's not a mommy. It's bad on the whole.. having to deal with that front.
When I awoke from my mininap... My gut was fucking killing me. It felt like my uterus was trying to escape me through my bellybutton.
like.
fuck.
So.... From there... I got my uniform folded up and in my bag... My pants were still wet because I'm too poor white trash to even afford washing my clothes here in the projects of Coquitlam... Where, half the time the machine steals your quarters anyway.....
Got myself ready.... Went out and waited for my 97, which... when timed right.. drops me off at the station 3 minutes before my bus to work leaves.
And today, of all days, I figured that the ninetyseven would be all fucked, seeing as how I felt like crap and everything... But no,. For once, it was on time. Listening to eminem, I boarded..... Without a word from the driver about owing him an upgrade. "Wow." I thought, "Maybe today is looking up afterall."
Scene- Busloop.
Bus that should have left at 5:30 doesn't show up. Next one is at six. I start at six. So I start walking. It's not that far... just fucking cold.
All this time trying to bum a cigarette of someone in the lower mainland. Anyone. No avail.
You know those little turning lanes.. Not left hand turning lanes, but seperatedlanes for people who are turning right.. They have them at some intersections every now and again. One of those intersections is Lougheed and North Road.
Where some bitch just about killed me.
These two women in front of me are walking so slowly I want to beat them.. And having wasted time waiting for the bus that wasn't.. I was hurrying to work. So.. I get stuck behind these broads for... a good two, three minutes.... No one moves over from the other, they just lumber along. And they weren't going ridiculously slow or anything, just slow enough to bug me.
They come up to this lane, and there's a car coming.. like.. half a block away. It's a crosswalk. Pedestrians have the right of way, so I walk.
Bitch doesn't even slow down, so I jump my ass out of her way.. at which time, I guess she notices me or whatever (BIG RED HOODIE! HARD TO MISS, THANKS) and she slams on her brakes making all sorts of ridiculous hand gestures,l so I get my ass out in front of her car and give her the nice long ole middle one. There I stood, in all my defiance..... Staring her right in the eye and giving her my longass middle finger.
It was glorious.

When I was satisfied I moved along.
To work. Where I look at the schedule and see that... I'm not supposed to work today.

So....
Off I go back home. Wanting to kill myself.
Could have SWORN it said Tuesday Wednesday. So I have to see about that one.

The 97 home took half an hour to come, when it's supposed to come every ten minutes in rush hour... and the lineup of people was ridiculous. It curved around so far it passed another bus stop.... And Do you think one of those busridin' assholes would give me a cigarette?
No.
So, by this time... I'm in tears.... and being hassled by a bus driver who was not even on time.... to move to the back of the bus... Which I won't do because I'm getting off at one of the first five stops and I don't want to push my way back down to get out... But I probably should have listened, because it would have avoided the next issue.

When the drivers here stop at a bus stop... this little light above the door turns green and you push on the handle to make the door open. He stops. Light doesn't turn green. People shoving me.... so I say, "Back door!" and he says, "I'm not even at the bloody stoo yet!!!!"
Harharhar. The whole bus is laughing at me.

and now. Here. Still with no cigarettes.. I lay on my bedroom floor in hopes that maybe.. Just fucking maybe.. The shit will be over now, and here I will be safe.
I hope your Tuesday has gone bettter than mine. With love,
Lexy.

Matt Good Pics.

2005-11-14T19:27:00.000-08:00

Finally got the time to put them up.
Enjoy. Even though they mess up my layout.

Waiting outside.

Nathan and I against an uncomfy door

Wet feet. So cold

So pretty

Michelle and Jeremy.

He, himself.

I look like shit.
I was too busy sweating.

Oh my my.. Just to get you to bite.. I....

2005-11-09T15:02:00.000-08:00

You all can ignore this.
I need it for future reference.

Calimari-
Coat squid, beans, and fennel in flour and shake the shit out of it.
Add three fluid onz. (1.5 scoops) of tempura batter and shake.
Ensure entire pieces are coated.
Coat in right vat (seafood only) of breading.
Ensure no tenticles are stuck together, and everything is sufficiently covered.
Shake off access breading. Deep fry for 1 minute. Setting number two on auto fryer.
Plate on large plate, piled high.
Garnish with Red Pepper Aioli, parsley and black and white. An Oyster Cup of Aioli and a lemon.
Clean rims.
Serve.

Chili Chicken-
Coat chicken in flour and batter and breading (same as above)
Deep fry two minutes, assuring all chicken is thoroughly cooked.
Arrange four gyoza wrappers on plate.
Toss chicken, 5 onz cucumbers and sweet thai chili sauce.
Plate Piling high
Garnish with black and white sesame seeds and slant green onions.
Serve

Ginger beef-
Coat in breading.
Fry 50 seconds
Vocalize to the PanFry dude that his beef is ready
Place beef in beef bowl for pan fry.

Cheese pate
Toast thirteen crustini's.
Roll cheese puck in almonds, microwave for 8 seconds to soften.
Garnish with four fanned apple slices, Red pepper jelly.
Arrange Crustini's in a double fan
top jelly with slant cut green onions.
Serve.

5 Spice Ribs-
Deep Fry for 3:30 mins. ENSURE THEY DO NOT STICK! Stir often!
Plate on triangle banana leaf. Garnish with coarse pepper and salt and parsley.
Serve.

Wings-
Deep Fry for 8 minutes, stirring often
Coat in hot sauce
Serve with blue cheese
Garnish with parsley.

SLAM your body down and wind it all around.

2005-11-09T13:09:00.000-08:00

Chili Chicken

You know you want it.

I know I do.

Say hello to the newest Apps cook for Joey Tomato's. Have you been there? Probably not.
Is it tasty?
Freaking right it is.
I work at five. It's 1:13 now. Time to waste.

My life has fallen apart around me. Looks like Paula and I might be evicted because Terri decided to run away from another problem. It's like I'm relying on a three year old. After fourteen years, her and I are no longer a unit.
Anyway. I started my job last week. I'm loving it so far. It's a nice atmosphere to work at. A bunch of men.. which, for me.... is the perfect place to be. It's nice to start something new. Far from the realms of being a short order cook in the way that White Spot makes you one. The further I get from them.. The more clear it becomes. Those people owned me like I was their slave for almost four years.

How do you become one of those people who doesn't have to worry about money? How do you live and not have to worry about where your next meal will come from.. Or if you're gunna have a place to live come December first.

So. It's November Ninth. Happy Birthday to Mrs. Jennifer Good. Everything I've ever wanted to be. *shakes fist*

But there is something I've got that rich gorgeous women who have beautiful hair eyes skin and dogs don't have, no matter who they are.

And that's my NateDawg. *sigh* He's wonderful. Gush Gush. How disgusting. Mark my words. He is the one. Everything I ever wanted in a man.. I have it. And In that I am happy. Can't ask for anything more on the love front.
They say you just know. And I do. As does he. That's the beauty of it. We're on the same page, at least, when it comes down to each other, one thing is for sure. We both want to be with one another as much as possible.
Now money is my next venture.
Someone call the money fairy!

Love it, or leave it.

2005-11-08T19:29:00.000-08:00

He never ceases to blow my fucking mind.
Everything in my life (nathan excluded) is totally fucked.
Saturday night I was happy.

Ramen like you've never seen.

2005-11-02T14:36:00.000-08:00

I'm downtown.... Got outta the house just to get outta the house. Nathan said he won't be by tonight. Kind of makes my whole day a little less fun... So I decided I'd go entertain myself down here. I do love the downtown core, even in the rain. And If I stay at home all day, I get so damned depressed.
Everyone's asking me how I'm dealing with the after effects of my fight with Terri, and I gotta say.. I don't feel anything when I think about it that even resembles sadness at all. Just anger. She thinks she's right, I mean.. she simply must.. And that in and of itself.. It blows my mind.
Eatin' Ramen on Seymour street... typing my little heart out.
Three dyas until I again get to see Mr. Good in concert. And this time with Nathan. And not with a bunch of fucking retarded drunken university students either. Just plain old fashioned concert going at the Commodore. And funny enough, Michelle bought tickets for the same night, so we're all gunna go as a team. Well... They're gunna meet me a little later than I'm planning on going down there.
I will, again, be first in line.

Mmmm... crazy eights all fucking day. Cannot complain about that!
Well. I guess you could, but.. I won't.

So...
I went home last night and hung out there..... Dropped off the rent, rearranged my room, and then Nate came home.
We had spoken on the phone earlier, while he was on coffee break, and I really wanted to know what was on his mind. He sounded deep in thought and when he arrived at my house he looked deep in thought as well.
The two of us lay in bed, speaking to one another about the happenings of the day, touching briefly on what we might have for dinner...

And then....
And then...

All of the sudden.. He was speaking about what he was thinking about.

It was glorious. It really was. And for us having been together for three months.... It doesn't make any sense. I can't even pull out the old "feel like I've known him forever" cliche because I have known him for a ridiculously long time for this to just happen now.
But while I understand that it won't be happening soon unless something drastic happens or changes..... The very idea that HE brought it up and not me.. It blows my mind.

He tells me that I haven't annoyed him at all yet. He said that he hasn't found one thing that I do that bothers him yet.
I thought it was funny because I'm certainly annoying some days.
But nonetheless, he insisted to me that I must be bored. MUST BE MUST BE MUST BE bored. I assured him that I'm not. It was a whole discussion. It's sickening and we know it.

I honestly never knew I could be in love like this.

I know. And I'm sorry.

2005-11-01T13:05:00.000-08:00

So, I haven't been around much because I haven't got a computer and I haven't got much to say. Had a big argument with Terri this morning, which wasn't even an argument but an excuse for her to pretend she's the only person who cleans up, and that she's got it so much harder than everyone else does.
Honestly, she's so closed minded that by the end of it I had no choice but to storm out or I might have backhanded her.
Honestly. It's ridiculous.
I basically cut her off after she bitched for awhile and said, "What happens in January when the lease is up?"
"I'm out."
"Good."

If I had to look forward to the prospect of living with her for anything past that I think I might pack up and leave town just to escape such a horrible prospect.

But on the other side... The good side.. Nathan is wonderful and fantastic and I couldn't be happier with someone.
I got me a new job. I am the latest addition to the Coquitlam Joey tomatoes Team. It seems like a really great atmosphere. Much better than the old White Spot. And I'm excited. My first shift is on Thursday. we shall see how it goes.

My grandfather started Chemo last week, so in not too long he'll begin to lose his hair. they said it'll take two weeks for the hair on his head to start falling out and that his moustache will last longer. Its a crazy idea. I've never in all my life seen my grandfather without the moustache.

Hallowe'en came and went. We had a blast on Saturday night, and then another blast on Sunday....

Thats me with a cupcake in my mouth...

Michelle, The Greek Princess that she is..

After our icing fight

Annie and I

Myself.
I got pretty tanked. We drank Cranberry vodka. I figure, what the fuck. I only drank twice this year.. Why hold myself back. I might as well do what I want when I want to while I can, or so I see it.
So I have ten minutes left at the net cafe, and then I dunno what to do with myself. I could go walk around lougheed mall... But its not like I can buy anything.. and I don't want to go home in case that bitch is still there waiting to be nasty to me. Because I know she will be. This is all my fault after all.

Anyway kids. I want you to know that I'm doing well, overall... and that I will get back to posting regularly very soon. though I know I say that all the time. I miss this little corner of the web. ;)

New Layout.

2005-10-07T14:52:00.000-07:00

Okay Tigers.
Get Mozilla, it's the only way this looks right.
I'll be ironing out some bugs soon. thanks.

Strike

2005-10-07T12:35:00.000-07:00

The government needs the teachers, and to get them.. They must be treated well. When will people understand that employee morale is TOP on the list of employers concerns, or at least, it should be. You cannot, from a governmental standpoint, force people to work without a contract. Thats what unions are for. Solidarity to ensure a proper working environment which is not being provided. If you legislate over one union, you basically make unions null and void. They had no choice but to walk out. This isn't just a teachers issue, this is an issue for anyone who believes in unions. It's about a lot more than kids being out of schools. More power to the teachers. I only wish there was more I could do to support them.

We've got to carry each other.. Carry each other.

2005-09-30T14:17:00.000-07:00

Sleeping with Marshall

Nathan's Tattoo.

Gordon climbing into bed with us and Nathans foot.

Long Drive through East Van.

Leg wrestling in the middle of the night on mushrooms on Sunday.
Thats Paula and Nathan, by the way.

In the Car.

Stop taking fucking pictures of me...

I love my eyes.

I know you can't make it out, but behind me is the velour couch we found at Value Village and dragged home like winners.
GOTTA LOVE BEIN' PO' WHITE TRASH!!!

Gordon and Dresis sleeping on the couch.

Hittin' the pipe...

Dre trying to sleep.

Dre being bothered.

Bow Down Before the One You Serve. You're Going To Get What You Deserve...

2005-09-27T11:48:00.000-07:00

OH THE TIMES WE'VE HAD!

And yes.. They're still too big.

The Chalk Is The Talk.

2005-09-26T14:52:00.000-07:00

MetroTown

Science World, and it won't let me upload anymore because I'm over my limit.

You Are The Perfect Drug

2005-09-26T14:24:00.000-07:00

New developements to say the least. Not the way we might have planned for it, but things seldom do what they're supposed to.
I've got a few pictures to post, which.. again will fuck up the sidebar with Explorer, but I don't care too much.
They're too big still because the internet cafe still doesn't have any editting programs, and thus, we'll all have to deal.
I very rarely put my hair up, so I was seeing if I liked it with bangs..

Mind you, I was also just about to get in the shower, so no. I wasn't wearing a shirt. Just fucking around because I can.

Fun times.

Marshall visiting me during my bath. And my toes. :D

And the rest of these pictures you may want to just skip through, but they're all pretty neat. They're of Marshall. He was being his usual mama's boy self and I snapped up about 40 pictures of him. I'll spare you having to go through them all and just put up some nice and classic positions.
I'm not usually this dorky about my cats, so for those of you who are new around here due to the chalk stunt.... Well, bear with me and I'll get over it. I've just got nothing to do during the day but be with them. <3

Looking at the camera.

Leaning on me, not looking at the camera.

Mummy leave me alone.

No really.

Stretch...

Comfy much?
Next entry.. The Chalk is the talk of the town.

2005-09-24T13:13:00.000-07:00

My boys.
Andre is the little white, Gordon is the big white.. and the black of course is Marshall.

waffles for everyone.

2005-09-24T11:50:00.000-07:00

Okay. So. What a life.

The other day Terri and I went over to the plaza across from our house to meet Mark. When we were finished there we walked back through the alley, as per usual, behind the Value Village on Smith in the plaza, and there was the Ugliest but most pimpin' couch I had ever seen, along with a matching chair.
The thing was/is YELLOW (like gold) VELOUR. Can you get any fucking cooler than that? Well, We decided that no.. No you can't. Picked up the couch and started across the street, much to the annoyance of two guys who had just shown up to claim it for their own. So here we are, two girls carrying this sonofabitch of a couch across Smith itself.... Putting it down every three seconds because it WAS really heavy but I'll admit we're wimpy.

ENTER NATHAN.
Boys save the day so well sometimes.
He pulled up and parked, but he didn't see us, so he started walking over to the house... "NATHAN...!!!"
I yelled and fell down melodramatically on the couch. Hahaha.
So with the help of a man we got it up the stairs quite effectively. No one squashed any fingers or anything.
So then I had to (and yes, HAD TO) spend the whole day rearranging the livingroom to look right with this new addition. I finally got it.
I put the couch on the wall with the window, the TV is over on the diningroom wall thing... And then the leather chairs are beside the couch. Its spacey but still intimate. I like it.
It's looking like a real livingroom finally. And so goes it when you're poor white trash.

But I don't live in Surrey.. and I'm not in East Van anymore. Parts of Coquitlam are nice, I just happen to be in Clifford Olsen's neighbourhood.

But we know he ain't here.
I told my grandma that he used to live near here, she said, "Well,,, I think in any neighbourhood if you knew who your neighbours were you'd be scared, so thats alright."

HahahahahahThats our crazy Nana.

Oh. And...
Michelle updated me on the phone last night that Jen had seen teh chalk and that she didn't know what to make of it.
So I trotted my ass down to the net cafe this mornin... Nate's working overtime today, so we hung out for awhile. Paula came in, sat on my bed, had a smoke.

WHICH REMINDS ME.
I awoke this morning with Gordon, Marshall and Nathan in my bed.. Then Andre climbed in... So I look at Nate and laugh and say, "One Bed, Five People....!"
Yah, it'll be awhile before I live that one down.
But they are people. My cats are more my people than my people are my people. I can't even tell you.
Yesterday I spent about an hour and a half taking pictures and cuddling with Mar.

But I was taking about Jen.
So.. From the looks of things, I might've freaked her out a bit.
Meh....

My intentions were good.

Y'know what I LOVE????

The Killers
So maybe I'm a bit behind y'all... But seeing as how I don't listen to the radio, I'm too busy groovin' down to shit I KNOW I like....

And avoiding commercials at all costs.

OH!!!

I saw Born into Brothels last night. Excellent movie. Go watch it.

I know there's nothing to say someone has taken my place...

2005-09-22T15:04:00.000-07:00

When times go bad
And times go rough, won't you lay me down in the tall grass and let me do my stuff?

nananananananana

Did I make it into any papers with my chalk writing antics?
no. No I did not.
But I didn't do it for that. I did it to pay hommage to a man who's music helped me through shit. A man who has entertained and amazed me for ten years. A man who has more genius in him that I think he even knows.
RANT RANT RAVE RAVE.
Thunder only happens when its raining....
Anyway.. Not much to say.
We've got ourseves a plan i motion, that if successful could change the way British Columbia views marijuana laws. It's set to commence next spring. Lots of planning, web design.. and publicity to do before then though.
I'm excited.
I hope you guys all read the article below. I could have formatted it a little better, I know but I was at someones house when I put it up.

Don't stop thinkin' about tomorrow.

Hello Mother, have you hidden my hatchet?

2005-09-21T21:20:00.000-07:00

I love the United States.
Fox News Suggests Canadian Katrina Generosity Meant To Embarrass George W. Bush

By D.L. McCracken
Sep 13, 2005, 16:31
Email this article
Printer friendly page

Canadian Ambassador to the United States, Frank McKenna during an interview by Fox news reporter Frank Gibson last week was grilled by Gibson on Canada's motives for reacting so quickly to the devastation caused by Hurricane Katrina.

The interview was shown during the September 9 episode of The O'Reilly Factor, All Things Considered and was titled, "KATRINA: Is Canada Doing Enough to Help?" The interview segment was introduced after Fox news man Tony Snow reported to Bill O'Reilly the fact that Canada "continues to ship oil relatively cheap" to the northern US states. Bill O'Reilly then introduced the interview segment by saying, "I don't know what the situation is with Canada, they've helped us out before but I'm gonna let them have a pass on this".

John Gibson took over and after thanking Canada through Ambassador McKenna for sending extra oil during the disaster, Gibson then added, "You kind of embarrassed us..the Vancouver Search & Rescue team showed up in St. Bernard's Parish before uh..any of the American Search & Rescue teams. We appreciate the help but ya know you're not supposed to embarrass us".

It gets worse.

McKenna appeared to be slightly taken aback by Gibson's statement, chuckled and went on to assure his host and the American public that it was not Canada's intention to embarrass the U.S. but to "help our neighbours".

At that point Ambassador McKenna went on to provide a detailed list of aid being sent to the Gulf region including three Canadian warships laden with supplies but Gibson again interrupted McKenna mid-sentence with an outrageous suggestion.

Gibson asks, "You know uh..Ambassador McKenna um..uh..uh..you know..just lemme uh..have you..uh..lemme address one thing. Uh we know that there's lots of people in Canada on the left side of the political spectrum who don't like George Bush. Is there any..any part of this..big Canadian help designed to..maybe embarrass the President?"

Ambassador McKenna deserves credit for maintaining his cool at this point in the interview and immediately assured Mr. Gibson that nothing could be further from the truth adding, "This has got nothing to do with George Bush, nothing to do with our relationship which is excellent by the way. This has got to do with the fact that we have been neighbours and friends for hundreds of years. You have come to our aid when we've been in trouble and Canada wants to be with you when you're in trouble. It's as simple as that".

Gibson perhaps chastened but probably not, then proceeded to list everything that Canada and Canadians have contributed to the relief efforts thus far, a detailed and rather long list. At one point as Gibson was naming various individual organizations and provinces who have donated assistance, he named Nova Scotia saying in an obviously astonished tone of voice, "Nova Scotia donated $100,000." At that point the interview ended.

It should be noted that Fox News and Frank McKenna could never be thought of as fast friends. Just this past July Ambassador McKenna spoke out against the U.S. news network and their penchant for spreading "disinformation" which can create a "false picture" of Canada. McKenna referred to this as the "Fox Factor" and urged all Canadians living in the United States to at least be aware of this fact.

Looks like Ambassador McKenna was right - who else but Fox News would actually question a country's generosity amidst a tragedy and suggest that our generosity was based on ulterior motives, in this case a desire to embarrass the United States?

The only embarrassment here should be experienced by Fox News for allowing their reporters to continually insult friendly nations.

http://www.halifaxlive.com/artman/publish/embarrass_130905_123.shtml
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,169120,00.html

Okay. So. Enjoy....

Is there anything I need to say that hasn't been said before?

2005-09-20T15:02:00.000-07:00

Okay.
So.
I'm just gunna continue going picture crazy. You guys know that I don't yet have the 'net at home.
But. On the plus side, on a positive note... We do have a computer there now which brings us one step closer. I got me a home phone line. I'm moving up in the world.
So.. You should know the drill, but if you're using piece of shit explorer, my pictures fuck up the side bar and there's nothing you can do to fix it. Except, that is, switch to something worth using.

I'm at an internet cafe. I've been here on and off for two days. I like it. It's cheap. Comfy chairs. Not bad speakers. I had brought my camera cord in yesterday but the pictures are too big because these guys have nothing to resize them.. so bear with my crazy layout being retarded as I show them to you.

And enjoy. Because this is basically a photojournal of what my summer looked like.

Starting with that. It's small ish because I did what I needed to do to it last night at Nathans.

As with that one.
And as you know.. thats me. And I cut my hair.

THIS would be Michelle's beautiful tattoo when it was all shiny and new....

Nathan and Andre playing DOA Beach VolleyBall.

Sunset. At Trout Lake. Good fun that was. Got all hopped up on shrooms for the first time in a long time and I ACTUALLY ENJOYED IT which is amazing.

Paula in the livingroom. This was right after we moved in. She's got more hair now... but watch, now that I say that she'll shave it again.

This is the pool in our apartment building. OH YAH!

Michelle and Don

Don, Michelle and Nathan. This was while high on shrooms on the dock at Trout Lake.

Me and Max. We were chillin' It was hardcore.

Chantelle and I. Yes. I saw her.

Okay. You have now entered my artistic shit section. I went crazy. Perspective. It's called.... Get this... THE BATHTUB SERIES.
You never would have guessed. Quit kidding yourself.
So. We start with the tap there.....

And some feet with it, while we're at it...

Scariest thing you've ever seen in your whole life.

These pictures of myself make me feel small, meek... nude. Well. I was nude.. But I mean, they look to me like what I feel I must look like in times of emotional strippedness. This is Lynzie with her guard down.... AHEM Excuse me. Lexy.

Legs.

And of course, The visitors.

The little one has gone to live with Annie now.

Bye Bye Little one.

And for now, that will be all.
Check back soon and soon again because I will be updating more regularly now.
I swear.!!

Sorry for having to deal with the size. :S Not much I can do about it right now.

Another mirror shot

Or two.
And now it's time for everyone's favourite... The face shots. :P

These were me trying to ensure that my hair looked okay after I brutally attacked it with scissors.

NORTH SHORE

BAGELS

And one for the image.

Star Gazer. <3>

2005-09-20T12:52:00.000-07:00

Yah.
Okay.
The Chalk all over Vancouver and Burnaby was me.
And I'm sorry.
But I couldn't help it.

Forgive me. Forgive me.

In a Coma

Sept. 20/05

Matthew Good 1995-2005

In Stores Now.

Paul's pics.

2005-08-29T09:52:00.000-07:00

These are for Paulie.

Its always better when we're together.

2005-08-25T12:08:00.000-07:00

PAULS THE BEST

I'm around. I'll be around. Honestly.
I miss you shakeyman.

Her dark hair

2005-08-03T20:39:00.000-07:00

Me

Julien

Julien

Terri.

Terri,

Me and Terri being stupid.

Terri

Julien

Terrbear

Myself.

Smoke gets in your eyes.

Amanda

Melissa.

Downtown....

First thing is first- Friday.

2005-08-03T19:57:00.000-07:00

What happened Friday was a travesty of Canadian Justice. We are sellouts. We are assholes. And we have simply rolled over for the Americans to take our revolutionaries.
I was there. Obviously not in Halifax where Marc was arrested. But on the Vancouver Homefront, at about 10:30.. I went down to get a coffee, as per usual.. And fell into the middle of it all.
I stayed all day long.

We just kept thinking.... "My God.. Is this for real? When was the last time anyone even said anything about this issue?"

Media Circus to say the least.

David, who later got smacked around and arrested.

Take to the streets!

So. The bottom line is here....
Who have we hurt?
What have we done wrong?
No Victim, No Crime.

She works hard for the money...

2005-07-29T05:11:00.000-07:00

Double shifts....

They asked me to work today for Terri because she's sick.....
Which kind of defeats suspending me.. But I said no because I had a rough week.
I'm a bad bad child.
I swear to God it's only because of lack of sex. I start going crazy. I need to get these agressions out somehow.
Miles will be home in about a month.
I can make it.
:D:D:D:D
Happiness will ensue.

And the four months will soon be over, which makes everything worth it.

What I need is agood defnse Cuz I'm feeling like a criminal

2005-07-25T17:05:00.000-07:00

And I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love.

Man. Oh Man. What a fucking week.
I got a new apartment
I move tomorrow.
I'm not packed or ready.
I need to do that.
I'm such a procrastinator.
I'll write as soon as I can kids. I guess it would help if I had my own computer. As it is now I have to bus for two hours to get to ridge to use one.
Unless I pay a dollar an hour.

And you know me. I have to be in the mood for writing.
But on the plus side.
OH BE FUCKInG JOYFUL.

A Hero Is so hard to find.

2005-07-24T20:43:00.000-07:00

I've been a bad bad girl.
I've been careless with a delicate man
And its a sad sad world
when a girl will hurt a boy just because she can.....

I have come to a conclusion, finally I have come to a conclusion.

2005-07-18T18:15:00.000-07:00

I had a fucking crazy weekend.

I wrote for about eight hours straight.

Do you always trust your first initial feeling?
Special knowledge, holds true, bears believing.
I turned around and the water was closing all around,
like a glove,
like the love that had finally,
finally found me.
Then I knew
in the crystaline knowledge of you.
Drove me through the mountains,
through the crystal like a clearwater fountain.
Drove me like a magnet.
To the sea.
To the sea.
To the sea yeah.

How the faces of love have changed
turning the pages, and I have changed,
oh but you, you remain ageless.
I turned around
and the water was closing all around,
like a glove,
like the love
that had finally finally found me.
And then I knew in the crystaline knowledge of you.
You Drove me through the mountains,
through the crystal like clearwater fountain.
Drove me like a magnet.
To the sea.
To the sea.
To the sea yeah.
To the sea yeah.
yeah.
yeah.
I turned around and the water was closing around me.
I turned around, and the water was closing around me.

I'm still frustrated, but I did get a lot worked out.

GAME ON

2005-07-15T03:39:00.000-07:00

Yay hockey.

its just one of those days when you don't wanna wake up

2005-07-14T16:48:00.000-07:00

Everything is fucked.
everybody sucks.

2005-07-12T07:33:00.000-07:00

FUCKERS

now that that's out of the way.
roll over, sweet thing...

Yah.
Like I knew they would they suspended me. I'm not terribly impressed by this.
I don't feel like going over it again.. but basically I was late on Saturday, which.. really, no harm done. It was slow as hell.
I expected a suspension for that.
It was when she told me that I'm getting two days for coming in at TOPS two minutes after five yesterday. I wanted to fucking hit her. I was livid.
Still am. It's going to be hard to work after that.
And of course, she mentions that I would probably love to get an immediate suspension because my holidays start when my shift finishes tomorrow. I'm not sure if I was supposed to laugh at that or not. I just stared at her, like, "Wtf is your point?"
I remained calm in the meeting, I think. Paul had to sit in. But I know she knew I was pissed when I signed the second suspension. My writing style changed dramatically.
For Christs sake.
I told her, "For the last three years I have watched people be consistantly late, two three hours late, cry a bit.. 'I'm having a personal crisis' and then it's all fine. So I want to make damned sure that I am not the only example made here."
They assured me that they have a list.
They are cracking down.
Of course as soon as I left I started bawling. Just out of complete and utter anger.
Seriously. anne looked so fucking smug about the whole thing I wanted to cuff her upside the head, and then just keep on cuffing.
But I guess what this basically means is one more small holiday, so fuck 'em. Three days off. Boohoo.
Not that I can afford to work a two day work week, but they can suck it if they're gunna see me get down. I'm just going to make shit miserable for them from the get go tonight and ever after until I get it, when we can put it behind us and move on. But until then, I'll be damned if I'm doing any fucking favours. and they can SUCK IT. SUCK IT SUCK IT SUCK IT.
White spot sucks dick sometimes.
god damn it is early.

*sigh*

BBQ fun.

2005-07-11T01:20:00.000-07:00

If you use anything other than mozilla, this will fuck up the sidebar.
Je nais c'est pas.

You know you want it baby.
BBQ pictures.

Krystal. Looking HAWT

Michelle-

Krystal looking good and me looking goofy.-

NickO-

Ryan caressing Ted-

Ted allowing it, and caressing him back-

The top of krystals head-

I like black and white-

I told her I'd get some good ones, so we tried out sepia tones-

Don-

Craig-

Ted-

Michelle and I-

Taking the shot-

Craig and Cindy-

Jake-

HEY MA! How do we get home?-

Cindy and I are hawt shit-

And fdrom this point on is where the night started getting blurry. The mickey was finished right after this.... and I started losing bits and pieces.
I remember saying goodbye to Craig and Cindy, and saying we had to go too, but I don't remember leaving.
I remember dancing to the hockey song...
and then the busride, I remember some things. not others.
Awesome picture-

Michelle-

Who insists that she doesn't look good with a guitar.
I beg to differ-

NickO-

Sparks Flying-

Jake pulling Krystals sock off-

Don-

Pin with purdy girls!!-

This picture accuratly depicts what the bus ride home was like, or what I remember of it-

And this would be my fave pic of the week-

Hopefully you guys had fun and I didn't grab anyones no no spots or shamelessly try to get anyone to sleep with me. ;) Besides Cin. That doesn't count.
You guys are awesome to drink with. I mean, I've always felt comfortable around you, but even when I'm hammed out of my mind you guys are just fucking fantastic.
I lurve you all.

again.

2005-07-09T02:23:00.000-07:00

Why do people have to knock other people down who have done nothing to them at all to make themselves feel better about their lives?
I miss Miles.

Dirty Enough I got me a love...

2005-07-08T20:39:00.000-07:00

Sorry to bore you all with that last post, I was just ecstatic.
And maybe I'll get into the whole story later on.
In the meantime, I just wanted to say.. I wish the best to everyone in the UK right now, our thoughts and prayers are with you.
We're still technically a colony, so... It feels closer to home.

Wishing only to the best to the families and people injured.

Fate steps in and lends a hand.

2005-07-08T00:55:00.000-07:00

I took the bus into town tonight to see Michelle and Donular. Talked to Chantelle for an hour and a half or so. I got off the #97 and wandered up to the platform. As I was getting on the skytrain this woman passed me with the worst B.O ever...The whole train stunk to high heaven.. so I got off to switch cars when I turn around to see someone way too familier. Like a ghost from my past, I said his name. He turned to me and we stared at each other in disbelief. We just stared. It was probably not that long but it was what seemed to be forever.
julien. my frenchman.
I have not felt that big a rush of happiness in a long long time. Seeing him there just released all these endorphines. I felt dizzy and happy and wonderful.
FUUUUUUCK!
He got into town yesterday, got a job this morning, and I found him by 8pm.
HOORAH!!!!!!!

I may have posted this before, But I don't care.

2005-07-07T16:28:00.000-07:00

Tough, you think you've got the stuff
You're telling me and anyone
You're hard enough

You don't have to put up a fight
You don't have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches
For you tonight

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

We fight all the time
You and I...that's alright
We're the same soul
I don't need...I don't need to hear you say
That if we weren't so alike
You'd like me a whole lot more

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And ~~it's you~~ when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

I know that we don't talk
I'm sick of it all
Can - you - hear - me - when - I -
Sing, you're the reason I sing
You're the reason why the opera is in me...

Where are we now?
I've still got to let you know
A house still doesn't make a home
Don't leave me here alone...

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Sometimes you can't make it
~~The best you can do is to fake it~~
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

OH BE

2005-07-07T16:00:00.000-07:00

OH BE JOYFUL.
And I am, so very very.
But why are we again with the overgrown animals?

Sometimes you make me scratch my head.

Michelle. I know you're reading, and I'm not so elequaint with words while I speak, so what I want to say to you is this.
I will always do my best to lend an ear to you. You are the person I lean on everytime I'm in trouble. I know forever and ever amen I will be able to count on you for anything in the world. Anytime you need anything I hope you know that you can count on me in the same way. I will, no matter what, always remain the girl you kidnapped in science 10... But better. I'm science/socials ten revised. :D
I love you more than I can ever tell you, so I guess what I'm saying is both thank you and you're welcome.
For everything. Now and forever and ever and ever.

You can't buy or plan history like we've got. It only happens to the truly blessed, which may seem like an odd thing to say, considering.. But I do believe that you and I are being watched over.

WELL THEN

2005-07-07T03:01:00.000-07:00

Now that thats all settled, everyone... I'm in such a better mood.

So no more arguing.

By the way.

2005-07-07T01:52:00.000-07:00

That is what paganism apparently looks like.
Though I didn't know until yesterday that I was a pagan.
I thought being baptised two years ago kind of meant that I was a Christian, but there are some people around here who figure that they are on the same level as God to be able to judge other people.
Note- I will be judged once, and once only. And it is not here, nor now.
Thanks again for respecting one another.

Oh.. and the tag teaming, that's fantastic too.

Seriously.

2005-07-07T00:55:00.000-07:00

It's something I'll have to address sooner or later.
All I really have to say on the issue is this- God made pot, Man made beer.
Who do you trust.

AND ON TO OTHER THINGS-

Worked from 10:45am to 10pm today. Shit, what a long day. And the best part is that when I left I was still in an awesome mood. The traffic at the restaraunt was relative, nothing that I couldn't handle, and as usual the only time I got super slammed was right after my break after they all had neglected my orders while I was trying to rest. I don't know, I doubt if I would hesitate to take another one of these shifts, but my wrist is certainly sore.
Ice cream all day will do that, I guess.
I walked around and sang all day, all sorts of stuff, but of course, it got better when Ben arrived. Ben and I just have so much fun!!! Not to mention that Ali was working too, which meant that the A team was in effect. It was fantastic. I had a really good day.

(Ali, Ben in midjump, and myself, of the A-Team.)

But of course, there is always something to bitch about.
Number one.
Gerry.
He drove me in almost all the way to work today, which, don't get me wrong, I appreciate to the fullest. The unfortunate part of that was that I was stuck listening to him. A lot of the time I have no peoblem with it, but there are days when he just gets on his high horse.... He's very opinionated, and that I don't mind so much, as it makes for interesting conversations. I learn things about people by listening to them rant. Its something I enjoy quite a bit. At any rate, today was different. And I'm ot sure how it started, or what I did to prevoke him.. However.. Here is my favourite quote of the day.
"I am constantly using you as a bad example for the girls."
I gotta tell you, something in my heart just soared hearing him say that I'm his bad example. I'm his example of a life gone wrong. Its the kind of thing that I let roll off my back in one way, because he's just got a surface look at me clouded by a whole crapload of assumptions... But at the same time, it hurts my feelings. Plain and simple, thats what it does. Because I'm not a bad person.
Of course, he doesn't mean me by my personality. What he means is that my job is an example. He went on to explain himself further, which is probably why I didn't hit him or start crying or something.
What he said after that was that a ten year old kid can go anywhere, can be anything he or she wants. That all the doors are open, and as you get older your doors start to close, and some of those doors are damned near impossible to reopen.
I guess, I get what he's saying.. But no one in my family ever speaks down to me based on my chosen profession.
So I'm a pot smoking highschool drop out. For God's sake, I support myself and three cats, I live alone, I've held down a steady fulltime job at the same place for three years. So, screw saying I have no dedication, that was never the problem. It's dedication strictly to where my interests lie, and my interests did not lie in school in a conventional sense.
He doesn't seem to give me any credit. I follow politics, I know all the lyrics to all the music he listens to, I'm cultured, friendly, I have awesome social skills... Everybody likes me... except Gerry. But I'll just have to charm harder.
I keep trying to find things we have in common, or at the very least opinions that we can discuss in a logical manner, he just doesn't seem to be interested in what we have in common... Only taking me down a few pegs.
I don't even dare mention my religion to him.
Sometimes we'll be talking and I'll mention something about me that he's yet to have learned, and he just looks at me like I'm lying to him, "Really?!!?!" he'll say...
Like it's impossible that I might have some neat little characteristics that he hasn't assumed I have already. Like, tonight he was listening to the radio and Peggy Lee's Fever came on.. I was singing and told him that I used to swing dance, that indeed I did for four years.. He was staring in disbelief at me...
Like, do you think I made it up? No, believe it or not I have a life and interests seperate from the stereotype you, for whatever reason, have placed me into.
GRRRR.
Said I'm never gunna be lonely....
I wanna be a lion.
everybody wanna pass this cat
Cuz we all wanna be big big stars
yeh
but we got different reasons for that

Oh well. He's M's dad, and I have to deal with him.
But fuck. I feel like I am being lectured and I'm not used to it, nor do I like it. Period.
And I've not often before felt like I don't want to challenge someone's opinion or correct them where they may be wrong. It's not like me. He brings out the not like me in me. Like... WTF?
Am I this desperate for approval? And the sad part is that I know the answer to that question before I even ask it.
Yes. I am that starving for approval. Which makes me a fucking loser. Hooray!

I dunno when CreationFest is this year, but I can't afford to go, which sucks, but at the same time. Second year in a row I'm gunna miss it, and I'm really not as upset as I was last year.

Me before my twelve hour shift today.... Or, eleven hours and fifteen minutes thank you very much. I've been playing with new makeup styles.. Meh, I thought I looked okay this morning.

This is after a twelve hour shift. Not terrible, if I do say so myself.

And this last one made me laugh my ass off.
stupid hair in my face.
And I don't even notice it anymore.

And because I whined so much, I feel like 6 ain't enough. Photo whorin' it up as per usual.

And that is all for tonight my darling reader beans.
Sleep tight.
Don't let the bed bugs bite.

For the record, "Terr Bear" is my best friend since third grade. Not just someone who reads my blog. Only four people I know in real life know about this blog.

Yahweh.

2005-07-05T22:29:00.000-07:00

Judge not, lest ye be judged.

Before commenting about the speck in someone elses eye, deal with the log in your own.
Paraphrased, of course, but I hope you get the point.
Not all people who celebrate the Christian faith feel the need to direct every single thought that way. It is because I am expressive that I am able to love God.
I'm not going to argue, but I see no problem with pride in my nation, unless it overshadows the importance of the Father in my life. And nothing will ever do that, not my drug habits, not my friends, my smoking, dancing, eating meat on Friday. None of it will change the undying love and devotion I feel towards my faith.
And nor will I spend my entire life trying to force other people to believe what I say they should believe, because even in the bible it says that our human nature is to be unsure. To constantly doubt, and though we are to try to maintain a childlike faith, we have to grow in our faith as well. Part of my growth has been to accept that free will is a beautiful thing, and no amount of forcing someone into it is anywhere near as sweet as hearing someone say they've come to it upon their own accord.
So if I'm pagan to you, so be it, but I tend to think I have a relatively openminded and realistic approach, not to mention relationship with God.
This will be the only thing I write about this issue.... If you respect me enough to leave me be, you can hang around. If its' gunna be scriptures repeatedly trying to make me feel guilty for the style in which I live, thats fine too.. but I'd prefer not.
Thanks again, there, tigers.