Dead people.


Been on a tour recently. As I was saying. It's fascinating to wander through graveyards, be it in the middle of the day or night. Last night I just sat in the middle of Mountainview and stared. I smoked, and thought, listened to the city whirring around me and just thought. It was too dark to read any stones or dates... But just the very being there... It was nice. I just kept thinking that for over a hundred years, throughout all the hustle and bustle of everything.... This one place stood relativly quiet, and relatively forgotten about. It just hangs out there, on Fraser and 33rd... Well, it does stretch quite a ways throughout that area.. It's just bloody massive.
And honestly, when you think about it.. Its such a weird custom. As Carlin has been quoted as saying, "Saving up all the dead bodies and for one part of town???!!!"
It is rather bizarre.... But still, I found it soothing to be there... Not in the least spooky.
What was spooky though, was going to Burnaby Village Museum in the middle of the night. In fact, all of Deer Lake was just totally fuXX0red. It freaked me out.
Especially on the field... As there was this van, and a few tents.. and some float looking platform with a big sign that said, "Fireworks Display".... But it was 3am... and there was this weird music coming from what I guess was someones tent. At any rate, it was kinda creepy.
Made me kind of wonder, that I can be totally fine in a place full of dead bodies, but get me near a field and a lake and a museum and I'm all overthe place. But in my defense, that carousel is fucking scary.
Or maybe I just don't like Carousels much.
I like the one in Disneyland.....


Mmmm.. I wanna go back.
But first... I want a computer of my very own.


Blah.

So. Seven weeks in. Or so he's said. I know it'll fly by like it has been, we're pretty much, more or less halfway there.
I miss him like crazy. Distracting myself only goes so far before I find myself in trouble... But God damn, I miss him. And the amount I miss him scares me. And I don't want to fucking talk about it ever.
So instead....



Been sick. Haven't been at work in a week. I have to fill out my insurance papers as soon as possible, or else I'll be fucked for another months rent. God damn, I tell you this shift work shit is for the birds.
Why can't I just find a bag of money somewhere? Just a million dollars in unmarked cash waiting for me on my doorstep one morning.. oh and maybe a carton of smokes or something too. :P Hell.. While we're at it, drop me a thirty something year old scruffy guitar player looking for mindless sex and I'll be a happy camper. Okay.. so.. not just any guitar player. *sigh*

I want to not have to worry about anything. I want my monetary situation dealt with so that I can worry about more important things.. like my emotional situation. Honestly, I think I had better jog, not walk, to a shrink..... "COUNSELLOR".... they're cheaper if you call them the latter, or so I hear.
The only thing about that is that they always wanna put me on drugs, when I quite like feeling like I feel. I still have probably a years worth of Effexor XR, and Wellbutrin (which might help me quit smoking) But I hate taking them because I feel fucking weird. Not to mention sick all the goddamned time.

I hurt myself today to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain, the only thing thats real.
If tattoos weren't so damn expensive, I'd hurt myself that way.. but instead... although I haven't done anything.. I find myself wanting to cut the shit out of my body, or go buy a load of drugs. Its a good thing I have both patience and self control, or I'm afraid what might happen or where I might be at this very moment. Everyday is a step. Everyday is a trial. Everyday I get a little closer to the piece of cheese we're all hoping is at the end of this fucking maze of life.
Maybe.
Maybe I'm just a wheel turning with a dead hamster spinning around on the inside of it. I guess I'll never truly know for sure.


I listened to two new Foo Fighters songs today, they weren't bad at all. I'm looking forward to hearing the rest.
In other news, Bif is playing a free show on Canada Day, and seeing as how I have to (ha!) be at the Art Gallery by 2pm, I might as well go see Bif. Plus, Terri is back... and she thinks Bif is hawt.


Yah. She was in Mexico for 4 months or so.. Funny thing about that, While Terri was gone I thought about her probably at the least twice a day....... But It didn't have any affect on me. I didn't think good or bad things, just thinking in general, thinking in passing about her.. whereas.... everyday, thirtyfive times a day my mind starts chanting "Miles" and I just can't get him out of my head..... "I wonder how he is/where he is/ what he's doing/ if he's happy/ if he's fed/ if he's warm/ if he's missing me...." My mind just swims twentyfour seven, or damn near to it with Miles.

I haven't felt this way in such a long time. I spoke with him today and I just felt like I would cry.


He said some construction workers were listening to Its been awhile since I was your Man today and he thought of me. I heard U2's new song on the radio yesterday and thought of him. Its constant, though, Like I said. I don't need any bloody reminders.

I do need a cigarette however.
No. I have not quit that yet. But sooner or later I will.



Okay. Its 2:30.. I really should stop it now....
Thanks for reading, if there's anybody out there.


~Lynz.