I'll be moving out for a little while...



Maybe a few weeks.
I'm not sure.



Meh.
Update later.

My mood has shifted.
I'm feeling really crappy...
Conflicted.
All up in my head.
I'm feeling like this is not fair.

Mmmm.. Friday. Ws there ever a better day?
I'm certainly not chillin here all day.

:D

I'm making chili for dinner... Then going to Michelles. Don got a job, got paid, and bought Gran Turismo 4 and beer, and a steering wheel for the game. So, he invited George over for beer and video games.
*sigh*
Say goodbye to nonsmoker lindsay.
I'm trying so hard, I just keep slipping. 21 days, he told me. 21 days. YOU KNOW HOW LONG TWENTY ONE DAYS IS???
I've been biting my lip for two days straight. I should stop it. Not only do I look like a dumbass, I'm chewing holes in it.
I should be in the shower.
Soooo hungry..... wish i was little..... soooo hungry...... wish i was little.
Chili. Its good for you.. right? Chili and rice?
(with mushrooms too)
HAHAHA
Okay. I really need to get in the shower.
Get my night face on.
The streets of Vancouver await me. Cold. So cold. Sunny today. Of all days to be raining, the one day I go out it rains. AND I lose my umbrella.

Therefore I am umbrellaless.
6:30. I need to get in the goddamned shower now.
Oh and by the way, I have no idea how that last entry turned into a rant about white spot. God damned company. I think it was because maggie is a hoebag.
That is all.
<3 m.

"Lindsay, you're beautiful."
"Beautiful."
"You're sexy."
"Hot"
"Gorgeous"

It needs to sink in.
Why don't I ever HEAR it? Like my brain isn't interested in what other people think now, only what they thought then. Or, I care not enough about the people in front of me screaming how much they love me, and I'm more concerned with what a tool on the forum might say.
It's changed the way we view the world, this Information Superhighway. Its easier yo build a life here than it is for people to go out and have one. I'm trying to make a point to go one more walks, go outside more.. Go and get some fresh air.
It felt so good yesterday, just to be outside, aside from the facts that my hips were killing me. Its getting better but the right one is still messed.
I'm just hoping that this doesn't affect work at all.
I called and told them Sunday, I just have to pay attention to what the doctor said, as much as the White Spot Gods want to tell me that I'm letting them down or whatever, to even try to convey that is unfair and stupid.
I hate the company, but I love it too. I just wish Nat weren't dead. Things have gone all to shit because they want to CAPITALIZE. For God's sake, they even got rid of Buck
:( Poor Buck.

He was used and then thrown away when the time was right to ditch him. So He's mine now.
My very own mascot.
Three years of my life so far, and Buck's not alone. When they're done they'll find a way to squeeze me out of the union. I understand I am a liability at this point. Constantly ill, As well as pretty well permanantly injured. AIIIYA....!
*sigh*
It exasperates me to no end is all, to watch something that had a niche, try to become something that is EVERYONE. Cactus Club, Milestones...
People want White Spot from White Spot, not laa tee dah wine glasses, candlelight and steakknives.
If only Mom and pop shops still thrived.

Now ever since my birth
I've been cursed, since I'm born to wil'
Incase I never get to holla at my unborn child
Many things learned in prison
Bless the still livin
Tryin to earn every penny that I'm gettin
And reminiscin
To the beginnin of my mission
When I was conceived, & came to be in this position
My momma was a panther loud
Single parent, but she proud
When she witness baby boy rip a crowd
The school, but I dropped out
And left the house
Cause my momma say I'm good for nothin
So I'm out
Since I only got one life to live
God forgive me for my sins
Let me make it and I'll never steal again
Or deal again
My only friend is my misery
Wanting revenge for the agaony they did to me
See my life ain't promised
But it sure gettin better
Hope you understand my love letter
To my unborn child




Ohh
I'm writing you a letter
This is to my unborn child
(To My Unborn)
Wanna let you know I love you
(To My Unborn Child)
Love you, but you don't know I feel this way [I feel]
(To My Unborn)
I think about you everyday
I have so much to say
(To My Unborn Child)




So complicated to escape fate
And you can never understand til' we trade places
Tell the world I feel guilty to being anxious
Ain't no way in hell, that I could ever be a rapist
It's hard to face this
Cold world on a good day
When will they let the little kids in the hood play?
I got shot 5 times, but I'm still breathin
Livin proof there's a God, if ya need a reason
And I believe in my own fate
Will I raise my kids in the right or the wrong way?
Dear Mamma I'ma man now
I wanna make it on my own, not a handout
Make way for a worldwhind prophesize
I wanna go in peace
When I gotta die
On these cold streets
Ain't no love, no mercy, and no friends
Incase you never see my face again
To My Unborn Child




Ohh
I'm writing you a letter [I'm writing you a letter]
(To My Unborn Child)
This is to my unborn child
Wanna let you know I love you
(To My Unborn Child)
Love you, but you don't know I feel this way [Ohh I Love You]
(To My Unborn Child)
I think about you everyday [everday]
I have so much to say



Dear Lord, can ya hear me?
Tell me what to say to my unborn seed
In - case I pass away
Will my child get to feel love
Or all we all just cursed to be street thugs
Cause being black hurts
And even worse if you speak first
Livin my life as an outlaw
What could be worse?
Cause maybe if I tried to change
Who I'm kiddin?
I'ma thug, til I die
I'ma ridah man
Touch bases
Eat lunch in plus places
Regular criminal oasis
Awaits us
If there's a ghetto for true thugs, I'll see you there
And I'm sorry for not being there
Just know your daddy was a soldier
Me against the world
Bless the boys and all my little girls
Tell the Lord I'm eternal
Restin in peace please
Take care of all my seeds
To My Unborn Child




[Ohhhh]
I'm writing you a letter
This is to my unborn child [to my unborn child]
(To My Unborn Child)
Wanna let you know I love you
(Please take care of all my kids, my unborn child)
Love you, [I Love You] but you don't know I feel this way [How I
feel]
(To My Unborn Child)
I think about you everyday
I have so much to say



This Letter Goes Out To
Born seeds that I might not get to see
Cause of this lifestyle
Just know your daddy loved you
Got nothing but love for you
And all I wanted was for you to have a better life than I did
Cause I was out here on a 24 hour, 365 grind
When you get to be my age, you'll understand
Just know I got love for ya
And I see that there's a ghetto up in heaven
There's a ghetto heaven and I'ma be there
Ha, Take care, Run wild, Be Smart
Follow the rules of the game
Maybe sometimes it's confusin
But the rules of the game is gonna get you through it
All day, everyday
Watch out for these saints and fakes
First comin down to death
Be an individual, Work hard, study
Get your mind straight, trust nobody

So hungry.
Barely ate all day
I'll be glad for it tomorrow.

All I can do, pushing it through, into you. Deep deep deep..
Speaking of Deep, I was up at SFU today. .... Ran into Deeper. I heart Deep. He's so huge!!

Even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in awhile.

My tummy feels like poo.
But meh. My tummy will feel flatter tomorrow.
fucking pathetic.
People qre starving and I want to be stick thin. WTF?
Caught up.
You hear me?

CAUGHT UP

Probably one of the best evenings of my life.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Sweater and jeans he says
sweater and jeans he gets

To get away from lyrics for ten minutes would be nice.


Tomorrow I'm venturing on my own, into the wild for the first time since Valentines Day. Going out in the cold cold world with no one to protect me.
:)
I think the Pneumonia is healed enough now to go out. I have to get a doctors note, and I have to find someplace to take pics...

Remember the old days? root Beer popsicles and spicy pork gyoza?


Yes. Well. I do.
----
I can't express myself. Without the help of my good friends, the musicians. The people behind my every thought and action. Not a moment goes by in my life where I'm not thinking about a song..


In a couple of days they come and take me away
But the press let the story leak
And when the radical priest come to get me released
We's all on the cover of Newsweek
Well, I'm on my way, I don't know where I'm goin'
I'm on my way, I'm takin' my time, but I don't know where


Thanks Simon. That's swell.
He's gone to bed... sort of...
Ack, but I miss him already.
----------------------

I’m sitting in the railway station.
Got a ticket to my destination.
On a tour of one-night stands my suitcase and guitar in hand.
And ev’ry stop is neatly planned for a poet and a one-man band.
Homeward bound,
I wish I was,
Homeward bound,
Home where my thought’s escaping,
Home where my music’s playing,
Home where my love lies waiting
Silently for me.
Ev’ry day’s an endless stream
Of cigarettes and magazines.
And each town looks the same to me, the movies and the factories
And ev’ry stranger’s face I see reminds me that I long to be,
Homeward bound,

----------------
I miss the way things were. When we were young.
I spend so much time thinking and reflecting. God, one day it might kill me.
I can see it on my tombstone-
"In My Life, I thought too much. 1983-2005"


It's been ten years since Tupac got out of jail for a sodomy crime he didn't commit.

TEN YEARS
Since Nothing but a gangsta party was released. Since California Love came out. My goodness. Are we getting on in years?
---
Unle Rick is 42 now. Still teaching at Centennial. Same with Laura actually. The kids get older..
And I find I'm next in line.

Now everything is postponed.


The thing I was most upset about was not going to Disneyland. How fucking sad is that?
I gotta get my head on straight.
Fuck it.
I've got a date with a vibrator.

bow down before the one you serve
you're going to get what you deserve
bow down before the one you serve
you're going to get what you deserve
god money i'll do anything for you
god money just tell me what you want me to
god money nail me up against the wall
god money don't want everything he wants it all
no, you can't take it
no, you can't take it
no, you can't take that away from me
no, you can't take it
no, you can't take it
no, you can't take that away from me
head like a hole
black as your soul
i'd rather die
than give you control
head like a hole
black as your soul
i'd rather die
than give you control
bow down before the one you serve
you're going to get what you deserve
bow down before the one you serve
you're going to get what you deserve
god money's not looking for the cure
god money's not concerned about the sick among the pure
god money let's go dancing on the backs of the bruised
god money's not one to choose
no, you can't take it
no, you can't take it
no, you can't take that away from me

Lets all get up and dance to a song that was a hit befre your mother was born.
Sing it again
da da da da da da da da da... though she was born a long time ago.... Your mother should know....

All the cats are sound asleep. Just chillin out...
I should get up and do shit but I just can't be bothered. God damnit.
Magical Mystery Tour kicks my ass.
I AM the Walrus

Why does my sidebar drop to the bottom of my page?
I assumed it was the pictures fucking with the format.. But it doesn't seem to be.
I tried to change the pixel range on the sections... body/sidebar.. alas nothing. Anyone have any advice???

George is losing his job.
Viking is shtting down because Jan is a fucking baby who can't suck it up and be a nice guy, so I guess he'd rather put three people out of jobs. If the company wasn't successful with him, why should it be successful without him?
GAH. So now, George gets a severence and a fucking pat on the back, and hustled out the door. And I'm gunna have to wait and see what happens....
But my job won't hold the two of us, thats for damned sure.
And I'm physically unable to work two jobs.. But I'm gunna try.
I'm going to go down and apply for a job at the Old Spaghetti Factory.. It's close to me, it's close to the skytrain. It's something that I can work dashift and then get on a train and go to my regular job. Like I've said before.. a line cook is never out of work.
This is just so fucking unexpected.
BLLLLAHHHHH
When life throws you lemons? Throw them at cars.

And then make a resume.

My nights and days are spent thinking about you. Moving for you. Making decisions based onyou. It was the way I was told to feel about God. My dedication has never been as good as I hoped.... But just to see those people who all believe so strongly. A positive energy altogether in a room.
Please give me directions. I think the hurt set in, but I can't feel nothin'.

In my eventful life tonight I made stirfry. Talked to Trig a bit, spoke to Milo while he studied. Coughed a lot for about 5 minutes.

No more slips today.
Just the one or two puffs off that cig this afternoon.
I was just so mad at how they treated Melissa.. And everyone cops out behind the "humour" card.
"Remember I'm sarcastic 98% of the time", she says.
It's bullshit. But whatever.


the contest entries are in today.. They're all good, but I think it'll be myself, Cara and Hannah.
Milo broke my heart by saying he likes Hannah's better. AAAAAHAHHHHHHHwwell... I'll deal. Just pick up the pieces and move on.

But in reality, she did do a damned good job.
I just know that more effort went into mine.
To be honest, I'm threatened.

She grabs her magazine. She packs her things and she goes. She leaves the pictures hangin on the wall. She burns all her notes. She knows she's been here too few years to feel this old.

It's quarter to three in the morning. I could be heading to bed.... I should be. No one is up to entertain me....
But alas.. I'm not remotely tired.
Quote of the day-
NuckleHead11-I can't believe no one said "Fuck your mom." I guess people really don't like brown chicks.
AndyGill- She's always on her cell phone.



GOLD.


So anyway.. on to whatever else.
Pneumonia front is getting better.
Coughing up yellow.
Tomorrow I'm gunna be lonely and buddyless all day.
With no one to talk to...... So I've deicated tomorrow to cleaning what I didn't get to around here today. And dealing with the cats all day which feels sometimes like a fulltime job.
Won't you help to sing these songs of freedom? Its all I ever had.. Redemption Songs.
SO MUCH TO SAY... So little time. So much of a feeling of not being able to.
Feel like I might go out on Wednesday. That would be goo dI think. go out, get some stuff done.. Go downtown. Take pics. Feel good.
Or maybe I'll go somewhere I don't usually go?? Get some pics from Burnaby Mountain/SFU???
Its a thought.
anyway Thats my plan. To leave the house on my own for the first time since Valentines day.... Going somewhere OTHER than the hospital with Stew and Christie, My favorite Ambulance Drivers.



Stew looked like Alan Alda.

Ambulance drivers should wear nametags.

Abbey Road. One of Lexy's all time fave's.
Abbey Road and Revolver bring me back to being, like, 14 years old. It was a hard time, but a good time.

She's so....


Heavy.
HeavyHeavyHeavy

I want you. I want you so bad. I want you so bad its driving me mad. It's driving me mad.

And I'll hold you at arms distance, because I can feel my heart falling.
It's nothing I can't handle.
I'm meant to be conflicted. Its my nature.










Bright Lights, Big Big city.













And there you have it.
My weekend.

George isn't going to be able to make it to the MG show on the 8th.
He's gunna be in Washington on business. He comes home that night.
SOOO.... Basically looks like the Arts county fair this year will be a White Noise meet for me. ;)

Or I'll be walking around alone.
Or Sean will find me.



Options.. Options..



Only one is appealling.

SHIT LAUNDRY
Okay.. Laundry is dealt with.



I'm trying to quit smoking which is so HARD I WANT TO DIE.
Had about a quarter last night.
About a half today.
I'm TRYING... it's so hard.
I don't want to disappoint my public. So many people are rootin' for me through this.
Letting go of parts of my past. Slowly, but trying.
tomorrow I have to clean more. Throw things out.. organize. Try and make my room look like a rom.
And not like a bed with piles of junk around it. Have to do the stove. My right pinky is sore from holding down the shift key.
I'm addicted to the computer like crack. Like crackcocaine. Like BADLY. Like the kids on Main and Hastins Dancing.
Speaking of which, I took some pictures the other day... I should get to working on getting those uploaded and shown.
Blog this, bitch.

MatthewGood. Arts County.
Release date today.
Tickets go on sale Monday?


Lex is starving.
But its bed time.


<3
Love
Tonight it was a full word.

I had love made to me.
I sucked dick in the car.
Oh being twenty one is about these days.

I'm lucky for having people who love me.

MG is playing at Arts County Fair this year.
Just this afternoon I was screaming that I'd go nuts if he didn't announce soon.
God I'm pathetic.
I saw him in September.
The music is so good I want to scream.
I'm happier than happy. No news in my life makes me as glad as hearing an MG concert announcement.

The commodore show this year was so good. He almost played all of White Light front to back...
I feel like the only time I'm ever truly happy is when I'm listening to him. From Ray Gun to Avalanche.
It's fucking sick.
I need help.

Mental help.
For things other than my love for music. Not just music, as much as I love it. HIS music.
Your forgiveness ain't a neighbourhood that I'm lookin' to live in baby.
<3


Two M's in my life I feel right now I can't live without.

I did it so I can get updates from M's journal whenever he posts.
Because I'm obsessed that way.

You know.. sometimes life throws you curves.. and you just have to take them.



The Pink Pills are for your Sanity.

I'm getting over pneumonia. God did it hurt. Got trucked to the Royal Columbian hospital Tuesday morning. I won't get into it exactly now.. But the system is in disaray.
Otherwise, can't go back to work until Sunday at the earliest.... Just wasting time on White Noise.
I'm afraid to use my livejournal these days. Someone is being a tool and taking things out of context to send to George.
It only happened twice, but I feel violated by it. My trust is gone.



And by gone, I mean vanished. nto the deep depths of elsewhere.
I'm not angry. Dissapointed.
But I've moved on. I'm just so.... Bad.

Why am I so bad?

At last.
there is nothing left to say.