I feel like death would be welcome.

From Ryan.

Brian's mum died, so.. The obituary is in the paper today. The funeral is on Thursday, Open viewing on Wednesday.

My mom bought me an outfit to wear. Plain black pants and a brown striped shirt. It's very pretty. Classy. I'll see if I can get a picture later. The connection from my camera to the usb to the computer.. something is loose. It's sort of touch and go.
The flash on the sony won't work, and the screen on the Canon is fucked.



YAY!

What happene to me this year? Lost some friends, gained some enemies... sounds bleak doesn't it? nah, not really, at least not from my point of view. The trials of this year have brought me a lot closer to what I feel is really important to my life, because I have found complacency breeds failure. That was a hard lesson to learn because it took a heartbreak and watching certain doors close on me to realize it. Of course these things don't happen overnight, I did what most people do after things like that, wallow in a pool of my own self pitty, and look to drugs to find escape... maybe not so much the second one for most people ;)

It was rough at the start of this year, I was stressed out for a number of reasons. Politics at work, politics at home, and my closest friends were the furthest away from me they had been in a long time. There was a kind of one-two punch around March, which really put me on my ass so to speak.

~George

I wish that this man was capable of saying things in order of how they happened.... And not leaving it up to guesswork. I suppose that I have no right to know, really... And it's probably for the best, because I'm sure from his point of view it was a bad bad breakup.

I did the best that I could with what I was given. What can you do when you realize that you're not in love anymore. Not anymore, and unsure if you ever were to begin with. That right there is a dangerous fire to play with, that if I ignored it.. It would have left both parties fucked. Yah, we'd still be together, and I would still be closing doors for him, but in a worse way.. Of letting him believe that he was my only love, and breeding contempt within myself.


It was much like that song, "Rest Stop". And no, Rob Thomas isn't gay.
If I'd have been able to turn it back on, I would have doen it long before I walked out that door. I had reached a point, where I relialized that in every single fight we had, I was the villain and he was right. And if I make someone mad enough to throw things and punch holes in walls..... And almost justifiedly at that... .It's time to go.


But the defining characteristic, was that I could no longer gaurentee that I would be faithful.


and if I've become the villain even now, even still, and this far away.. having it been three months shy of a year since I left him.... If thats what he needs, so be it.

But I did what had to be done. And I probably could have done better.
but the most important thing to me was not returning to him the way Sean did to me and playing the I need You I want you game...
I was not going to let him spend the better part of three years pining for me, so in the end.. It worked out.


I only write this entry because it's better than saying this kind of thing directly to him.


It's better to tell him in my head, if at all... that I never intended to hurt him, and at the time when it was all fresh and new, I needed to see myself the way that someone who had just met me saw me.
I saw my beauty in his eyes.. I needed that, and we all do what we've got to do.

But I didn't use Miles. I was in it as much as he was. He wasn't the reason that I left George... But he was the reason I could have never been faithful again.



Just three miles from the rest stop, she slams on the brakes. She said, 'I tried to be, but I'm not so would you please collect your things?'


I never meant to hurt you.
But to be with you would have been never ending hurt for both of us.

Goodbye, Georgie.

"You're one of us now."
"I am not, I didn't like Star Wars all that much."
*ryan looks at nathan*
"You like Star Wars, man?"
"Yah."
"And you're still with her why???"

"Because.. She's great."






^That's all you need to know about my new years eve.

(/mushy)