Why do people have to knock other people down who have done nothing to them at all to make themselves feel better about their lives?
I miss Miles.

Sorry to bore you all with that last post, I was just ecstatic.
And maybe I'll get into the whole story later on.
In the meantime, I just wanted to say.. I wish the best to everyone in the UK right now, our thoughts and prayers are with you.
We're still technically a colony, so... It feels closer to home.


Wishing only to the best to the families and people injured.

I took the bus into town tonight to see Michelle and Donular. Talked to Chantelle for an hour and a half or so. I got off the #97 and wandered up to the platform. As I was getting on the skytrain this woman passed me with the worst B.O ever...The whole train stunk to high heaven.. so I got off to switch cars when I turn around to see someone way too familier. Like a ghost from my past, I said his name. He turned to me and we stared at each other in disbelief. We just stared. It was probably not that long but it was what seemed to be forever.
julien. my frenchman.
I have not felt that big a rush of happiness in a long long time. Seeing him there just released all these endorphines. I felt dizzy and happy and wonderful.
FUUUUUUCK!
He got into town yesterday, got a job this morning, and I found him by 8pm.
HOORAH!!!!!!!

Tough, you think you've got the stuff
You're telling me and anyone
You're hard enough

You don't have to put up a fight
You don't have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches
For you tonight

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

We fight all the time
You and I...that's alright
We're the same soul
I don't need...I don't need to hear you say
That if we weren't so alike
You'd like me a whole lot more

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

I know that we don't talk
I'm sick of it all
Can - you - hear - me - when - I -
Sing, you're the reason I sing
You're the reason why the opera is in me...

Where are we now?
I've still got to let you know
A house still doesn't make a home
Don't leave me here alone...

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Sometimes you can't make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

OH BE JOYFUL.
And I am, so very very.
But why are we again with the overgrown animals?


Sometimes you make me scratch my head.


Michelle. I know you're reading, and I'm not so elequaint with words while I speak, so what I want to say to you is this.
I will always do my best to lend an ear to you. You are the person I lean on everytime I'm in trouble. I know forever and ever amen I will be able to count on you for anything in the world. Anytime you need anything I hope you know that you can count on me in the same way. I will, no matter what, always remain the girl you kidnapped in science 10... But better. I'm science/socials ten revised. :D
I love you more than I can ever tell you, so I guess what I'm saying is both thank you and you're welcome.
For everything. Now and forever and ever and ever.

You can't buy or plan history like we've got. It only happens to the truly blessed, which may seem like an odd thing to say, considering.. But I do believe that you and I are being watched over.

Now that thats all settled, everyone... I'm in such a better mood.


So no more arguing.

That is what paganism apparently looks like.
Though I didn't know until yesterday that I was a pagan.
I thought being baptised two years ago kind of meant that I was a Christian, but there are some people around here who figure that they are on the same level as God to be able to judge other people.
Note- I will be judged once, and once only. And it is not here, nor now.
Thanks again for respecting one another.

Oh.. and the tag teaming, that's fantastic too.

It's something I'll have to address sooner or later.
All I really have to say on the issue is this- God made pot, Man made beer.
Who do you trust.


AND ON TO OTHER THINGS-

Worked from 10:45am to 10pm today. Shit, what a long day. And the best part is that when I left I was still in an awesome mood. The traffic at the restaraunt was relative, nothing that I couldn't handle, and as usual the only time I got super slammed was right after my break after they all had neglected my orders while I was trying to rest. I don't know, I doubt if I would hesitate to take another one of these shifts, but my wrist is certainly sore.
Ice cream all day will do that, I guess.
I walked around and sang all day, all sorts of stuff, but of course, it got better when Ben arrived. Ben and I just have so much fun!!! Not to mention that Ali was working too, which meant that the A team was in effect. It was fantastic. I had a really good day.

(Ali, Ben in midjump, and myself, of the A-Team.)

But of course, there is always something to bitch about.
Number one.
Gerry.
He drove me in almost all the way to work today, which, don't get me wrong, I appreciate to the fullest. The unfortunate part of that was that I was stuck listening to him. A lot of the time I have no peoblem with it, but there are days when he just gets on his high horse.... He's very opinionated, and that I don't mind so much, as it makes for interesting conversations. I learn things about people by listening to them rant. Its something I enjoy quite a bit. At any rate, today was different. And I'm ot sure how it started, or what I did to prevoke him.. However.. Here is my favourite quote of the day.
"I am constantly using you as a bad example for the girls."
I gotta tell you, something in my heart just soared hearing him say that I'm his bad example. I'm his example of a life gone wrong. Its the kind of thing that I let roll off my back in one way, because he's just got a surface look at me clouded by a whole crapload of assumptions... But at the same time, it hurts my feelings. Plain and simple, thats what it does. Because I'm not a bad person.
Of course, he doesn't mean me by my personality. What he means is that my job is an example. He went on to explain himself further, which is probably why I didn't hit him or start crying or something.
What he said after that was that a ten year old kid can go anywhere, can be anything he or she wants. That all the doors are open, and as you get older your doors start to close, and some of those doors are damned near impossible to reopen.
I guess, I get what he's saying.. But no one in my family ever speaks down to me based on my chosen profession.
So I'm a pot smoking highschool drop out. For God's sake, I support myself and three cats, I live alone, I've held down a steady fulltime job at the same place for three years. So, screw saying I have no dedication, that was never the problem. It's dedication strictly to where my interests lie, and my interests did not lie in school in a conventional sense.
He doesn't seem to give me any credit. I follow politics, I know all the lyrics to all the music he listens to, I'm cultured, friendly, I have awesome social skills... Everybody likes me... except Gerry. But I'll just have to charm harder.
I keep trying to find things we have in common, or at the very least opinions that we can discuss in a logical manner, he just doesn't seem to be interested in what we have in common... Only taking me down a few pegs.
I don't even dare mention my religion to him.
Sometimes we'll be talking and I'll mention something about me that he's yet to have learned, and he just looks at me like I'm lying to him, "Really?!!?!" he'll say...
Like it's impossible that I might have some neat little characteristics that he hasn't assumed I have already. Like, tonight he was listening to the radio and Peggy Lee's Fever came on.. I was singing and told him that I used to swing dance, that indeed I did for four years.. He was staring in disbelief at me...
Like, do you think I made it up? No, believe it or not I have a life and interests seperate from the stereotype you, for whatever reason, have placed me into.
GRRRR.
Said I'm never gunna be lonely....
I wanna be a lion.
everybody wanna pass this cat
Cuz we all wanna be big big stars
yeh
but we got different reasons for that

Oh well. He's M's dad, and I have to deal with him.
But fuck. I feel like I am being lectured and I'm not used to it, nor do I like it. Period.
And I've not often before felt like I don't want to challenge someone's opinion or correct them where they may be wrong. It's not like me. He brings out the not like me in me. Like... WTF?
Am I this desperate for approval? And the sad part is that I know the answer to that question before I even ask it.
Yes. I am that starving for approval. Which makes me a fucking loser. Hooray!

I dunno when CreationFest is this year, but I can't afford to go, which sucks, but at the same time. Second year in a row I'm gunna miss it, and I'm really not as upset as I was last year.




Me before my twelve hour shift today.... Or, eleven hours and fifteen minutes thank you very much. I've been playing with new makeup styles.. Meh, I thought I looked okay this morning.


This is after a twelve hour shift. Not terrible, if I do say so myself.


And this last one made me laugh my ass off.
stupid hair in my face.
And I don't even notice it anymore.

And because I whined so much, I feel like 6 ain't enough. Photo whorin' it up as per usual.






And that is all for tonight my darling reader beans.
Sleep tight.
Don't let the bed bugs bite.


For the record, "Terr Bear" is my best friend since third grade. Not just someone who reads my blog. Only four people I know in real life know about this blog.

Judge not, lest ye be judged.

Before commenting about the speck in someone elses eye, deal with the log in your own.
Paraphrased, of course, but I hope you get the point.
Not all people who celebrate the Christian faith feel the need to direct every single thought that way. It is because I am expressive that I am able to love God.
I'm not going to argue, but I see no problem with pride in my nation, unless it overshadows the importance of the Father in my life. And nothing will ever do that, not my drug habits, not my friends, my smoking, dancing, eating meat on Friday. None of it will change the undying love and devotion I feel towards my faith.
And nor will I spend my entire life trying to force other people to believe what I say they should believe, because even in the bible it says that our human nature is to be unsure. To constantly doubt, and though we are to try to maintain a childlike faith, we have to grow in our faith as well. Part of my growth has been to accept that free will is a beautiful thing, and no amount of forcing someone into it is anywhere near as sweet as hearing someone say they've come to it upon their own accord.
So if I'm pagan to you, so be it, but I tend to think I have a relatively openminded and realistic approach, not to mention relationship with God.
This will be the only thing I write about this issue.... If you respect me enough to leave me be, you can hang around. If its' gunna be scriptures repeatedly trying to make me feel guilty for the style in which I live, thats fine too.. but I'd prefer not.
Thanks again, there, tigers.

Late nights, me a computer, cigarettes and good music. What else could a nerd possibly ask for.
A coffee.
I have flat pear cooler by Growers. Its gross. I hate booze. :P Ick.
It's the 4th of July, or it was up until five minutes ago. So to all you 'Mericans, Happy Day.

Sonia called in sick today, I was supposed to be sandwich, but I ended u being fountain. I did some grill. I actually put out two clubs for the lot, 2 legendary's. one with cheese, three BC burgers, two strawberry shakes, 3 half caesars travel and 5 for counter, a puerto Vallarta Salad, two mediterranian chicken salads, and a schezuan chicken slad... All single handedly.
It was an intense high.
I ran the kitchen for a good twenty five minutes or so, and it was still busy with long weekend traffic.
Michelle called me at one or so, wanting to talk about last nights entry, so when I got off work I went downtown and read the rest of the book I started two days ago.... And then down to her office to meet her.
We walked, sat, talked, walked, sat, talked, walked, sat and talked some more, and the more she spoke to me the more I relaized that while there are similarities in the events we experienced, they're not at all the same. The situations were very very different.
And its not to say that one is more real than the other, just to say that in all honesty 've been somewhat blown away. Because in one way it is the same shit, but, as they say... just a different day.
What I figure is that his experience with me had him revise his methods a bit.
Thats all that I can figure, but I'm still alittle thrown for a loop. It doesn't change the way I feel, not one tiny bit. And it doesn't surprise me either.
but it's something.,.... Different puzzle pieces come together as I get further away I guess, but I'm still tempted, if not as much as I was last night, to contact him. What I would say or do is beyond me, but I've been doing a lot of tying of loose ends lately. Unfinished business.
In this case I believe that the wisest course of action is just to let sleeping dogs lie.
But the problem with that is that I'm not sure I'm capable or willing.
I've always been a bit of a shit disturber. I have to say.
It's scary. I want to be where I was then. I miss it sometimes, sure, But I never thought I'd see the day when I actually wished to be back in that horrible mess, but I do. I almost long for it. I can close my eyes and remember for the first time hearing someone suggest that t hey might possibly be in love with me.
For what its worth,, some of the most important things in my life happened with him, is it such a crime to tie a rope around the memories of good times?
As I get older I realize that its never going to go away, Its something that shaped my personality in one of the most wicked transitions I've ever experienced. It rocked my world, if you'll forgive my cruddy cliche.
God damnit.
lack of coffee.
brain shutting down


Maybe thats what happens when you listen to eminem this late at night

that has got to be it.
Goodnight my loyal readers... I heart every one of you.
~Lexilicious.

Say Hello.
Apparations was the first song I ever sang in public.

It was 1999. Shit was going on. People were in my life that didn't need to be... Stuff was happening that was far too complex for myself, and everyone else involved.
I'm starting to lose touch with what it was like back then
Remain.
Its crazy, because I look back and things are so muddled, the truth of what happens makes me wonder if they're right in running from me in everyday situations. Isn't it funny how I live in a large city, but still manage to run into the people who hate me more often than anyone else?
Close to me
What are the chances? And it's not like I yearn to make amends, after everything I tried, it's over and I know it is.. But 5 years after the fact... You know.. I still feel something about it.
And no goodbye suicide mystery
I guess certain things never change. I've always been kinda mental, but this is almost obsessive.
I wonder what the hell I wrote in that book. That was probably what did it. Its weird though, I guess some people don't care...
The rat in your brain turns a wheel
But its so difficult for me to pass someone and know that they HATE me. And the weird thing is that now that I'm fine with everything that transpired they're not.
Connected to your guts and
She honestly thinks that I am insane, that my version of what happened was all in my head and none of it is true, and I'm like... DUDE... WHERE THE HELL IS YOUR BRAIN??? She was always a bit of a sheep, I mean, this I knew from grade eight when I myself was a bit of a ditzy dumb kid.... But nonetheless, you've been with a guy this long and you have no desire to know the truth about him.
All your faults are in me
And the truth is, I got played. Grace got played. Michelle got played. Rebecca got played, Amy got played and Jhoely is still getting played to this fucking day while he does whatever he wants with or to whomever he wants whenever he wants.
And all your faults in me

How many people do you have to play second fiddle to before you realize that this is not what a relationship is? I mean... This is the only one she's had, but she used to be smart enough to notice when something seemed wrong. This has gone on for 6 years, and she still allows for it. And now that we're older, and they've actually crossed the sex barrier.... It can only be worse cheating than what it was when we were fifteen years old.
What would you say
The real kicker of it though, I mean, after everything we went through... The thing that leaves the most bitter taste in my mouth is simple. It's not about who he ended up with in the end, or that she and I were made to be good friends.. The thing that really stings me deep inside is that she deserves so much better. She could have made a life for herself, and could still.. But that he holds her on such a tight leash, and that she lets him get away with it too. She lets him emotionally rape her constantly, and the longer it goes on the more she gets used to it.
If we lived on TV
Its the kind of situation that makes me want to shake the shit out of her and scream. WTF ARE YOU DOIENENWQLIKRHSLKJ???!?!?!?!? Just like that.
Besides all the things they told you to
So he tried to screw me.... Thats hardly the issue at hand, the way he has been known to treat me in the past seems like ancient history, the way he treats her repeatedly bothers me more than anything else because she could do so much better than that, she can, and she doesn't. And part of me thinks that's the case because she still wants to show me up in there somewhere. I know that its vain to think that, but at the same time, after the Tyler incident, not to mention Corbin and Kamil... Dude... Everything just points to that being the reason any of this ever happened. I know, basically, what it comes down to is that she appealed to him physically while I was the mental chemistry that he craved.

This is, however, before he started huffing gasoline.
And all the things they told you to...
And I really don't want to get into him and his issues, which are plentiful. So plentiful I could very well write a book on them. In fact, it would be called Lindsay's guide to a sociopath. What to do and what not to do in the presence of someone who wants to fuck you spiritually and emotionally. Martin told me I waged emotional warfare on him, but he never met MAT.

MAT.(thats not him in the pictures. Thats spencer.)
MATATATATATATAT.
"Can you sign my rubber fill it?"
We're stuck inside our own machine
I guess stuff like this never goes away, such a hormonal time, filled with accusations, backstabbing, lies, deceit.. And when the time came to tell her the truth, she was too far gone. He's convinced her that I was crazy. And I suppose that my insane drug induced 17 year old behaviour didn't help that case much. You know, in perspective, I can see how it happened, but at the same time I can't figure out how it happened.
Apparations. Apparations. Apparations.
We saw them, see, I saw them at the Roxy, for one. The only time I've ever been there, and for good reason, lest that repeat itself..... We all hung out like none of it had happened.. But he still tries the same old shit, like he's pushing me to see if he can still do it, and the more I lock him out of my head, the more he pushes to get in. He plays dangerous games, because I could get him and get him good, but he's so good at being convincing while malicious. Its a bizarre place to be, let alone being on the other side of it.
Say Hello
And as far as he goes, I can't even begin to sort it out, all I know is that my first brush with romance was a fucking trip.
To say the least it was a fucking trip.
Well, is it strange?
Part of me wants to struggle to get her back, but I know that if it were to be anyone it would not be me. She won't listen to a fucking word that I have to say anymore. I didn't blow it, He blew it for me. I'm pretty sure I just found his number too, But I am not sure I would call, even if it was 2:13 in the morning. I mean, really. What is it that I would say tohim... I only hold distain for him, nothing more.
To be where you are
The last time he saw me I was on the skytrain with Miles, Paula and Dave. Paula said he was burning a hole in my back. I wouldn't look at him.
I'll look at her, but I refuse to give him the satisfaction, so I didn't turn around. If only just to say that I am not a slave, for one, and for another.. That none of it bothers me anymore.
Where you used to be kind of free
Ahh, but apparently that is not entirely true, because here I am thinking about it one more time. Just one more time. Slowly and agonizingly running this shit over in my brain. Trying simply to get shit straight.
Are they laughing at you
Its one of those things that I'll never have pegged, so long as I live and love.. I will wonder what the hell happened, and it will forever come to the same conclusion. Matthew D. Fowler. The man I almost killed myself over.
Like they're laughing at me?
Man? Psshhhh. I remember once, after a long silence for us, which usully lasted about 2 months, if that... I said,"I am sorry for what I've done to you; I was only a kid."
He looked at me and said, "I was too."

The rat in your brain
But you know, thats no excuse for him. None at all.
Rules the world
God damn.
From the comfort of your livingroom
I am too damned tired to keep on keepin' on.
Tell me are we leaving soon?
So yah.. blast from the past. Walking down memory lane.
Gotta lpve pics from 1999. I was so GOOFY then. Not to mention, big. :(
Hahahaha... Old stuff sucks, but I can't stop
The comfort of your livingroom, tell me are we leaving soon?
We're stuck inside our own machine.
Apparations, Apparations, Apparations.

NaNaNaNa

So, The whole Live 8 Thing is over and done with. Everyone felt all warm and fuzzy watching famous people snap a lot and play some music. Hooray for that. And now they've all gone back to their first world lives, and maybe gave Africa two or three, maybe a total of 5 minutes of thought during their busy hustle bustle today, but as the event grows further from us and our minds, so does the problem that someone is starving to death right now while your neighbour drives through at McDonalds.
I feel just about like the luckiest girl in the world to be sitting at a computer with a rat on my shoulder eating cherries till they're gone, I tell you that right now. Except, her nails are sharp. She's climbing around getting comfy in my hood. She and I both love my avalanche hoodie. I must admit that it is in pretty rough shape, but I'll retire it when it is a few strings that float away when I open the window.
Some things are just too hard to let go.
Just me and the rats, sharin' cherries.
What a life. What a beautiful life.
I'm frantic, so load me up
I'm trying to upload a picture of the rat, but Photobucket is being a weirdo.
Nemo is a grabber. I handed him a piece of the cherry I was eating and he just about tore my fingers off to get it. Hahaha silly ratface, I was gunna share, or else I wouldn't give it to you to begin with.

Haha! There you go. Napolean.
I put Napolean back, she was scratching me too much. Which is why I'm now feeding Nemo cherries. He's probably getting cherry in my hair, but oh the love of animals.

Me and Sheba. She just got home from a walk and came to say hello.

Staring at her ball.

And again.
I'll update again later tonight.. With substance.
I swear.


Its an MG night. Time for blastin' and dancin'.