Say Hello.
Apparations was the first song I ever sang in public.

It was 1999. Shit was going on. People were in my life that didn't need to be... Stuff was happening that was far too complex for myself, and everyone else involved.
I'm starting to lose touch with what it was like back then
Remain.
Its crazy, because I look back and things are so muddled, the truth of what happens makes me wonder if they're right in running from me in everyday situations. Isn't it funny how I live in a large city, but still manage to run into the people who hate me more often than anyone else?
Close to me
What are the chances? And it's not like I yearn to make amends, after everything I tried, it's over and I know it is.. But 5 years after the fact... You know.. I still feel something about it.
And no goodbye suicide mystery
I guess certain things never change. I've always been kinda mental, but this is almost obsessive.
I wonder what the hell I wrote in that book. That was probably what did it. Its weird though, I guess some people don't care...
The rat in your brain turns a wheel
But its so difficult for me to pass someone and know that they HATE me. And the weird thing is that now that I'm fine with everything that transpired they're not.
Connected to your guts and
She honestly thinks that I am insane, that my version of what happened was all in my head and none of it is true, and I'm like... DUDE... WHERE THE HELL IS YOUR BRAIN??? She was always a bit of a sheep, I mean, this I knew from grade eight when I myself was a bit of a ditzy dumb kid.... But nonetheless, you've been with a guy this long and you have no desire to know the truth about him.
All your faults are in me
And the truth is, I got played. Grace got played. Michelle got played. Rebecca got played, Amy got played and Jhoely is still getting played to this fucking day while he does whatever he wants with or to whomever he wants whenever he wants.
And all your faults in me

How many people do you have to play second fiddle to before you realize that this is not what a relationship is? I mean... This is the only one she's had, but she used to be smart enough to notice when something seemed wrong. This has gone on for 6 years, and she still allows for it. And now that we're older, and they've actually crossed the sex barrier.... It can only be worse cheating than what it was when we were fifteen years old.
What would you say
The real kicker of it though, I mean, after everything we went through... The thing that leaves the most bitter taste in my mouth is simple. It's not about who he ended up with in the end, or that she and I were made to be good friends.. The thing that really stings me deep inside is that she deserves so much better. She could have made a life for herself, and could still.. But that he holds her on such a tight leash, and that she lets him get away with it too. She lets him emotionally rape her constantly, and the longer it goes on the more she gets used to it.
If we lived on TV
Its the kind of situation that makes me want to shake the shit out of her and scream. WTF ARE YOU DOIENENWQLIKRHSLKJ???!?!?!?!? Just like that.
Besides all the things they told you to
So he tried to screw me.... Thats hardly the issue at hand, the way he has been known to treat me in the past seems like ancient history, the way he treats her repeatedly bothers me more than anything else because she could do so much better than that, she can, and she doesn't. And part of me thinks that's the case because she still wants to show me up in there somewhere. I know that its vain to think that, but at the same time, after the Tyler incident, not to mention Corbin and Kamil... Dude... Everything just points to that being the reason any of this ever happened. I know, basically, what it comes down to is that she appealed to him physically while I was the mental chemistry that he craved.

This is, however, before he started huffing gasoline.
And all the things they told you to...
And I really don't want to get into him and his issues, which are plentiful. So plentiful I could very well write a book on them. In fact, it would be called Lindsay's guide to a sociopath. What to do and what not to do in the presence of someone who wants to fuck you spiritually and emotionally. Martin told me I waged emotional warfare on him, but he never met MAT.

MAT.(thats not him in the pictures. Thats spencer.)
MATATATATATATAT.
"Can you sign my rubber fill it?"
We're stuck inside our own machine
I guess stuff like this never goes away, such a hormonal time, filled with accusations, backstabbing, lies, deceit.. And when the time came to tell her the truth, she was too far gone. He's convinced her that I was crazy. And I suppose that my insane drug induced 17 year old behaviour didn't help that case much. You know, in perspective, I can see how it happened, but at the same time I can't figure out how it happened.
Apparations. Apparations. Apparations.
We saw them, see, I saw them at the Roxy, for one. The only time I've ever been there, and for good reason, lest that repeat itself..... We all hung out like none of it had happened.. But he still tries the same old shit, like he's pushing me to see if he can still do it, and the more I lock him out of my head, the more he pushes to get in. He plays dangerous games, because I could get him and get him good, but he's so good at being convincing while malicious. Its a bizarre place to be, let alone being on the other side of it.
Say Hello
And as far as he goes, I can't even begin to sort it out, all I know is that my first brush with romance was a fucking trip.
To say the least it was a fucking trip.
Well, is it strange?
Part of me wants to struggle to get her back, but I know that if it were to be anyone it would not be me. She won't listen to a fucking word that I have to say anymore. I didn't blow it, He blew it for me. I'm pretty sure I just found his number too, But I am not sure I would call, even if it was 2:13 in the morning. I mean, really. What is it that I would say tohim... I only hold distain for him, nothing more.
To be where you are
The last time he saw me I was on the skytrain with Miles, Paula and Dave. Paula said he was burning a hole in my back. I wouldn't look at him.
I'll look at her, but I refuse to give him the satisfaction, so I didn't turn around. If only just to say that I am not a slave, for one, and for another.. That none of it bothers me anymore.
Where you used to be kind of free
Ahh, but apparently that is not entirely true, because here I am thinking about it one more time. Just one more time. Slowly and agonizingly running this shit over in my brain. Trying simply to get shit straight.
Are they laughing at you
Its one of those things that I'll never have pegged, so long as I live and love.. I will wonder what the hell happened, and it will forever come to the same conclusion. Matthew D. Fowler. The man I almost killed myself over.
Like they're laughing at me?
Man? Psshhhh. I remember once, after a long silence for us, which usully lasted about 2 months, if that... I said,"I am sorry for what I've done to you; I was only a kid."
He looked at me and said, "I was too."

The rat in your brain
But you know, thats no excuse for him. None at all.
Rules the world
God damn.
From the comfort of your livingroom
I am too damned tired to keep on keepin' on.
Tell me are we leaving soon?
So yah.. blast from the past. Walking down memory lane.
Gotta lpve pics from 1999. I was so GOOFY then. Not to mention, big. :(
Hahahaha... Old stuff sucks, but I can't stop
The comfort of your livingroom, tell me are we leaving soon?
We're stuck inside our own machine.
Apparations, Apparations, Apparations.

NaNaNaNa