I've been running from my responsibilities long enough.
I guess tomorrow its time to buck up and face them.
I still have no money, till Thursday.. But oh well, I have done it before.
Tomorrow I must get up early and go home for the first time in almost a week. I'm an asshole for leaving my cats alone, and now the guilt has gotten to me big time.
I have so much shit to do there, I have neglected my own place because I just don't want to be alone. Being alone makes Lex do bad bad things.
But then, so does drinking.
Which I did again tonight.
3 cold shots.. so what, you say. Who fucking cares? Well.. For one... I do. Booze hits me. It hits me hard and it hits me fast.. and although the fight has very little to do with me, And I'm sure everyone will see that sooner or later, another drinking night here ended in disaster.
So tomorrow I go home. Tomorrow I will clean. Though I have no cleaning supplies, I guess I could clean my bathroom with dishsoap? For the time being? And my vaccuum is broken... But I guess I can sweep the carpet for now.
Basically I'm living in a dream world where I can just let myself be adopted by this family. Reality hits. They are not mine. I may belong to their son and vice versa, but the family itself... It is not mine.
It's just so rare, you know.. to find a household as wonderful as this, and sometimes it blows my mind the way they take it for granted. Its crazy, but its the truth. And god forbid I ever forget that.
Everything is so fucked up.
I'm wondering how many tears I have shed like these, crying at a computer screen.. and for what?
So many stories surrounding this year, and yet.. I'm not sure I've told anyone the truth of what happened. The truth of how I feel. The truth of what transpired, and what I may have been thinking, or what I may not have been thinking as the case may be.
All day, staring at the ceiling. Making friends with shadows on my wall, all night.. hearing voices telling me that I should get some sleep cuz tomorrow might be good for something. Hold one, feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown, But I don't know why.
The bottom line, I guess, is that my whole exsistance is totally fucked. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing... I mean.. I have idea's of what I want to do, but then something happens and I get caught in a moment.... Shit goes wrong, things fall apart.. and I'm confused as to how it all went down so fucking fast.
I'm a mental case. I need professional help. Therapists don't do shit. I'm so confused. And this time its not about my love life. Its about me getting mys hit together. I have to man up. Take responsibility. I keep telling myself that it will be easier when... but when never comes. I procrastinate life. I really really really need to figure this shit out or my head is just gunna explode.
My head hurts from drinking but I'm wide awake and I would be surprised if I slept tonight at all, But hey, its only two am. Lots can happen. I just feel so guilty.
About everything.
I don't much like the person I am right now.
Period.
I wish I could go backwards and do things right, as well as make up for lost time. Fuck. I wish I could go back to being fifteen.. with the knoweledge I have now.
And ooohhh.. to do those horrible awful drugs again...

How did I ever live that way.
Why have I made the choices that I have made?
Why don't I just sign out and die?

I'm unstable. I've known it for awhile now. Not like.... before. Not like slit my wrists unstable.. but like.. hurt myself unstable. Be it drugs, or cutting, or just being a fucking goof and hurting people I love to punish myself in some sick disturbed way.... I am unwell.
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell.... I know right now you can't tell but stay awhile and maybe then you'll see a different side of me. I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired.. I know right now you don't care.... But soon enough you're gunna think of me and how I used to be....
For Gods sake, and this isn't something I would normally advertise.. But right now I'm drunk and I don't even care.
I was at work, and feeling like this.. and cutting cherry tomatoes, of all things to be doing... For whatever reason, Inoticed that someone must have just sharpened the beige handled knife, as it was sharper than they normally are, and without thinking I ran the blade, with pressure, across the back of my left hand.
Its a surface scratch, nothing more serious than what I get daily from the rats.. but enough of an incident that it made me look around and be like.. "Wtf am I doing?@!?!!"
Is this the toll that loneliness takes on me? No. This is the way I fucking am. And thats the worst part. This is just the way I be, and I thought this teen angst bullshit would have ended by now, but instead of being mad at the world for what its done to me.. now I am saddened by myself.
Talking to myself in public, and dodging glances on the train. And I know, I know they've all been talking 'bout me, I can hear the whispers and it makes me think there must be something wrong with me. Out of all the hours thinking somehow I've lost my mind.
I'm just fucking insane.
But as far as things are going right now, outwardly I'm okay.
Isn't that how it always starts though? "I am in control."
When in reality, does anyone ever have control? I can't even find my wheel. Let alone steer. Like, I don't even get it. Is there some booklet on how life works? Cuz I didn't get the memo, or something. Maybe I lost it, or left it in a box somewhere?
Nothing makes any fucking sense. But one thing is for sure. And that is that Someone around the world would love to have my first world problems.
And you know what, I realize that my problems are petty bullshit. There are much bigger things to worry about.. much bigger things to have in my mind on a night like tonight, but somehow.... on certain nights I just can't help myself.
I guess we're all allowed our incredibly selfcentered north american moments, and I'm having one.
If you read this all, I applaud you.
Don't be scared, I'm just a fucking basketcase.