American Beauty on TV. I haven't watched this movie since it caused a gigantic blow out in my family. My stepfather hated the ending because it wasn't happy enough. I got pissed off because life isn't happy, but it was happy.... in a way. In maybe a twisted way, but a way nonetheless. At any rate, we fought. I cried. Stupidity really.
All of our arguments ended in fights.
And this is why alcoholism is bad, children. Not to mention sharing a one bedroom apartment with 2 people other than myself, a cat, and a mastiff cross. Thats just my opinion. It might have worked if he wasn't such a dink.
I haven't written about that.
How did Brian's alcoholism affect my life?
That seems like a good topic for the night. Ahahaha. Saddle in. This one could be lengthy.


As some of you may have guessed, I was raised in a one parent home. My mother was responsible for all discipline, lessons... Everything. I will never let a day go by where I don't think about it. She did a fantastic job. She barely dated as I was growing up. I can think of three guys, two of which she dated, one of which she remarried. The third was Tom. He was just someone that she worked with.
It's times like these you learn to live again...
She put me first in everything she did. She made decisions and sacrifices for me, based entirely on me. She lived for me, and to a point still does. Obviously as time goes on, things change, I grew more independant. I needed less of her time, and she needed to learn, slowly, how to let go.. How to let me do my own stuff.
In 1995 she met Brian. I was 12. She met him through my friend Spencer's parents baseball team... Go figure.
Brian is a great guy. He's always been that funny hilarious guy, the life of the party. He's caring... But it was nonetheless a hard adjustment. Granted, I have no father figure to compare, but that was what made it so difficult, Maybe.
Its times like these you give and give again
It was hard, and then.. like anything, as kids will, I grew accustomed to having him around.
It was no surprise 6 years or so later when they decided to marry. They got engaged in 1999. They married in 2000? 2001? I think it was the former.
I allowed it. They were going to wait until I moved out, but a bunch of shit went down with some friends of mine and I told them to go ahead, that I would go downtown to go to school; the change would be good for me.
They married in September. It was wonderful. Best wedding I've ever been to.
We lived with him already, and believe me... There were times in that first year while they were engaged I thought for sure that the wedding would be off. They fought, which to me was strange, not only because they never really had before, but because it was mostly about me.
But the odd thing was that my mom had always maintained that when it came to me, his say in my life was to be minimal if there at all.
It was a power struggle, and it was obvious who knew me and what was best for me better. It was also obvious who I would listen to. And that my mother and I, while we have our moments.. there is no doubt in either of our minds that we have a relationship much better than most mother and daughters, in fact, better than any I've ever encountered. It was obvious, to me, at least who she was going to side with.
*ahem* That'd be me. In case we're not clear.
Now I don't understand why it is that men think this.... Partners will never be more important to a real mother than her kid/kids are. There's no way to compare to the bond that a mother has with the fruit of her loins, if you will.
It's impossible.
And considering that most decisions, sayings, habits, and ... pretty well everything I do is directly affected by what my mother has said to and taught me over the years, I really don't think I was a problem child.
Brian has not got any experience in childraising. He worked two or three jobs while his kids were young, and shortly thereafter he and his wife split up.
He had no clue as to how to deal with me. He's one of those people to whom children are to be seen and not heard.
My mother is not that kind of person. To her, I have opinions that are just as valid to the situation we might be facing as anyone else who is involved.
ANYWAY.... When things started getting rough, he drank. When he drank, he fought... He drank because we fought and we fought because he drank. I've never been so upset or seen my mother so upset as that period of my life.
I believe it was June.. maybe earlier than that, when I went to california. It must have been the end of June because I had just lost my virginity.... When I got back I started using meth. they married in September. Shit got worse and worse, and before we could control the situation he was drinking a mickey at night when he went out with the dog.
One night I came home from bingeing.. which might have something to do with my rash reaction to his idiocy, which I had seen before.
Terri was over, and Brian said, "I'm not going to get into this while your friend is here..... " But proceeded to scream at me anyway.
I have since figured out that what caused this screaming fit he threw at me was a stick of incense which I had earlier burnt, let go out, and then forgotten about. It was underneath my loft bed.. On the wallside. He had to go into my room, but not only that.. he had to search, which tells me to this day that he was looking specifically for something he could pin on me. He proceeded to scream that I could have burnt the entire house down...
Long story short.. I didn't say anything, just let him finish, started bawling and put my shit into garbage bags.
That was the end. It was over.
That would be why I moved out so early. And yes, there were many times I thought it might be a terrible mistake.. but when my mom moved out three months later I knew I had made the right decision. And that I maintain to this day, I wasn't a fuck up for moving out, I was follwoing what my heart told me I had to do.
So how did this all affect me? Who can tell?
I'm a better adjusted person in one way, as I know how better to deal with conflict. Brian forced me to learn how to do that. He forced me to learn to fight back with words. I mean, afterall, I can't backhand a fifty year old man. He got close to me sometimes to the point where i was scared he might hit me. My mom would literally have to get between us and scream for it to stop. Thank god it never got there, I might have killed him.
I am also better equipped to understand family trouble. It was something i was sheltered from.
One more aspect I had never seen before, What it is like when parental units disagree on how to raise the child... It can get ugly, but I'm sure there are nice civil ways to work that out.
Wow.
I guess I really needed to get that shit off my chest. I've told it a million times, but more in the way of brushing it off. It really did affect me.
For the record, he has since appologized, though he remains pretty well the same.
He has stopped drinking, and they have been living together again for.... 2 years???
Your love is teaching me how to feel
BBBKAHDSKHFILHFD: BLaH!!!!
My fingers hurt. RESTTIME.




I didn't say much, a whole lotta writing to say a whole lotta nothin'.