Sooner or later it always settles down.

I went for a walk tonight. Maple Ridge is quiet.
Having grown up in Vancouver, I don't remember a time when there wasn't the sound of traffic whizzing past.. And if I stopped noticing it along the way, in the back of my mind I always knew it was there.
The silence is eerie to me. It's bizarre. Seems entirely wrong.
I guess as a city kid, I'm just not used to the real sound of the night. It's like when I go up to Lac La Hache in the summer and can see stars I didn't even know were there. The sky is full of shiny sparkly things, it blows my mind. Even though I've seen it eight million times... everytime I get away from here I stare up at the sky and just.... Breathe in a deep breath of wow.
The city holds my heart, it grabs me and holds me and keeps me warm. When I'm alone I can go somewhere, anywhere and be anonymously sucked into the throngs of mindless faceless extra's.

Yesterday I took the train to work, as per usual. Ran into some people who take the same bus at the same time as me..... Julie? Judy? Something along those lines... She's a nice lady, but you can tell from.. well, just about every physical attribute on her body that she's led a rough life. Had quite a go at things.. But because of this, she's got some stories.
I might be young, but I relate well to old sour people. People who aren't quite washed up.. but who certainly aren't saints. People who live in a different world. People who believe that it is one life, to the best of our knoweledge, and to worry is to waste it... so fuck it. Live Hard, Play Hard.. Go for it.
Anyway, There's Julie.. and this guy Rick. We're travel buddies, if you will... Whatever.. it passes the time. We get yelled at by the same busdriver all the time. "BE QUIET!!!"
Mostly it's because of our foul mouths. At least, thats what I presume.
yesterday Rick told me he's a longtime crystal meth addict.
If you don't know how I feel about meth, let me give you a brief summary.

I spent about a year altogether, between the dabbling in the beginning and the quitting at the end. In total it was about seven months of straight use. A number of things made me stop... And come September I will be three years clean of the shit.
But God damn... only once have I been so close as I was yesterday. The only thing stopping me yesterday was my lack of funds. I've just been so stressed lately.... and just the idea.. knowing that he had it on him.. that it was available...
God it killed me.
I swear to God, a piece of me is dead because of that drug, and for all the shit it did to me.... I still crave it. It's exactly like an abusive relationship.
So I would have bought it, waited until after work, done it, and then walked around all night wondering why the fuck I would blow almost three years clean.
And of course, I would have gone downtown... just wandered in the hustle bustle. Downtown never sleeps. Even at 4am it's busier there than it is some places during the day. I should know, thats all I fucking did.
So many lost souls out there, and I KNOW that... so why then does it still grip me by the throat everytime I think or speak about it? It happens at the very least once every two days.. I'm like.. damn... It would be so easy.

But the bottom line, kids, is that I am still clean. Ahahahaaaaa! So, in essence, I conquer. One small step in a lifetime battle with myself.

I still don't understand why so often I close my eyes and just want to hurt myself. I'm doing well, My emotions are fucked.. but I don't use my vices like I used to.
I smoke. So what.
One more thing before I quit, I never wanted anything more than I could fit into my head I still remember everything....

Sometimes I just want to run away, live in a forest naked... Forget it all.
This life is too complicated.